I was in the bank today and on my way out I came up with a surefire genius way to quickly determine what type of person you are. Basically there are 3 types of people.
On my way out of the bank I discovered that next to the teller was a bowl of dum dums which are just really tiny suckers. I am not much for hard candy so I passed them up but before i left the bank i had figured out that amongst the sucker takers of the world there are basically 3 types of people. Here they are:
1 The normal decent kind human being. A decent citizen of the world says to himself. Hey i would like a sucker and he takes one. Then he leaves and goes on his merry way.
2. The ghetto bastard. The ghetto bastard says hey a bowl of suckers ill have 1 now and take a bunch more for later. He waits until the teller is not looking and crams 15 into his pocket and walks out the door.
3. The super ghetto bastard. The super ghetto bastard says hey look a beautiful bowl that has candy in it. I can sell the bowl for 5 dollars at my next garage sale. He then grabs the whole fucking bowl and runs out of the bank with it. Then he sells it at his garage sale AND he takes the candy and brings to his next potluck at work so he doesnt have to spend any of his own money.
Luckily for the world most sucker afficinados fall into category one and a small fraction are in category 2 but its the super ghetto bastards that end up ruining it for everybody like the assholes at my movie theater who stole the little containers of popcorn seasoning that was so tasty. We used to be able to use them for free but now we have to buy them for $1.50 so some guy got a few free small bottles of seasoning but if he wasnt so ghetto he would still be getting free seasoning at the movies several years later.
Today is most definitely a good day. It’s National championship day! One of my sports pet peeves is when somebody after the fact says “oh i knew they were gonna win.”. So what i’m going to do is make my predictions now for the national championship game between Alabama and Georgia and give you my super bowl picks.
First im picking georgia to win. Lets call it 27-23 dawgs.
Now on to the nfl. I am calling minnesota vs pittsburgh to meet in the super bowl. Going with minnesota to win easily by 2 touchdowns 24-10.
If you got the guts let me hear it. What are your football picks?
Happy Saturday everyone
So i thought i would check in while i have a little time and do a post about some of my favorite things from the past year
Favorite football team that i now root for. My old standbys are the cal bears in college football and the 49ers and broncos in the nfl. However i have a new tradition where i adopt a team for a year. This year i adopted the wisconsin badgers and they did awesome. 13 and 1 with a huge bowl victory over miami.
Favorite new show to watch
The good doctor. This stars freddie highmore ad a young doctor who has autism. Very well acted and i really like the depth and humanity of the characters. I also enjoy watching him interact with his love interest and he has a great support system.
Patty cakes. This is the ultimate gritty underdog story with heart. Its quirky hilarious and heartfelt and best of all not mainstream its about a heavy set white girl from new jersey pursuing a career in hip hop. You totally root for her and her squad of misfits
Favorite new hobby
Blogging. I have always had a need to be creative and expressive and most importantly be heard. The community has been fantastic so here i am to stay.
Favorite place i visited
Oahu. 4 days on the beach. Authentic fancy ass ramen. A zoo. No work. It was awesome.
Hi everybody. I took some time off from writing as there has been a lot of change going on lately. Good change mind you but still I need to make some adjustments to get back into the flow of things.
I dont talk about it much but I was out of work from mid september up until the 22nd of December. This allowed me to write consistently and now i am trying to fit writing back into my schedule. I wont have a computer at home for another week so i am texting slowly on my phone. When i was out of work it was easy to fit in a couple ofhours a day on the weekdays at the library.
Well, my new job is going well. The benefits are great as well as all of the perks and that more than makes up for the Dplus pay. Plus we have agood hardworking crew and up top,the store mgr and asst mgr, we are in good hands.
On the aa front ive still been very consistent although with the holidays ive missed a little bit more meetings than normal but not many. I will have to skip the morning meetings because starting tomorrow i will start at 7 which means ill go to6pm meetings.
I must say the new year is off to a great start. Last night i went to the atm and tried to get 40dollars.i didnt have that much so the screen said choose another amount. I asked for 20 and what the fuck the machine gave me 80. First thing i did was check my receipt and lo and behold they think they gave me twenty and i still have 18dollarsand 19cents in that account. Those machines never make mistakes so thank you universe! Also i am getting paid for not working today as it is a paid holiday. Plus the football teams i wanted to win have been winning this bowl season. So yeah ass kicking stary to the year. My old boss never gave us paid holidays never gave us paid vacation gave us the bare mininum 10minute breaks instead of the stamdard 15 and didnt have the decency to give us paid sick time until he was legally required to do so. I once overheard the warehouse mgr talking about the old owner whose name is dick and he was talking about penchant for being tighfisted and he said dick was not happy unless he was screwing somebody. Yikes!!! Not the thing you want to hear about your owner.
So thats all for now. Still sober still not too big for meetings and still grateful for my life.
One of the things I often talk about at meeting level is the importance of finding a God of your own understanding. At my meeting we talk about God more than we actually talk about alcohol. Heck we talk about drugs more than we talk about alcohol at my meeting. Meth,heroin,weed,crack,lsd,pcp all these things come up often at my meeting but alcohol is not actually that high on the list all things considered. I’ve realized for some reason I’ve almost started to create an elephant in the room. I haven’t yet said that I go to AA. We have this whole anonymity thing and one of the traditions specifically states anonymity at the level of press radio and films. But there’s no reason for me not to mention it, I covered my face and I’m using a pseudonym so I might as well say it. Anyhow, today I am going to talk about that old AA stalwart, the doorknob as higher power.
I’ve always been bothered by people who suggest or people who actually go through with the idea of choosing a doorknob as their higher power. I’ve always been bothered by insincerity and it doesn’t seem like you’re on the right track if you start off in a place where you’re making a joke of your higher power. Like I always say honesty is a real key to your sobriety and not being able to admit you believe in a God is a pretty vital thing to admit. This whole doorknob as higher power thing also just reeks of loopholism. I’ve known way too many people who will always find the loophole around things. To me it’s as if you claim the doorknob as higher power you can say “well, they told me to find a higher power they didn’t say it had to make sense. ” Loopholism is such an alcoholic thing to do and continuing to feed that trend isn’t progress it’s reverting back to your old ways.
Think about step two for a second. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. If you believe the doorknob is actually going to restore you to sanity you’re a fucking idiot, plain and simple. And if you’re looking for that loophole you are not going to find it because a doorknob is not a power greater than yourself. This higher power is so vital because he will guide you through the rest of your journey. You are going to learn to depend on the guidance of a superior being, a superior morality, one with superior wisdom from here on out. You really need to take this seriously and figure out just exactly what it is that you will be depending on. This is worth struggling over. You can’t just gloss over this and say this is tough. It’s not like a test in school where if you struggle with a question you get to move on to the next question because all questions are worth 1 point. Consider step one worth 50 points step two worth 40 and the rest worth 1 point each. You better get step one right or you fail automatically. And you have to realize on step two that with you steering the ship you landed yourself right in the muddy waters and you don’t get out without a new captain.
Okay I promise this one will start and stay humorous. Just some light hearted slightly off the wall humor. So here it goes.
So I was walking home today thinking about all of the great things I love about my country you know, the good ole us of a the land of the free and the home of the, aw man, butt itch.
Now this wasn’t a regular nice and easy butt itch. No,this was a good old fashion dig right in the butt crack taint scratcher. My lord!! What am I to do? I got 10 minutes left of walking home and I got a taint scratcher of an itch. Now, your standard butt itch you can reach around grab a butt cheek and scratch vigorously for i don’t know, 2 maybe 3 seconds but not this one. No, I wasn’t that lucky. This was a butt cracker. I may live in the land of the free and the home of the brave but I aint that free, or brave for that matter.
I tried to distract myself and take my mind off things as i walked home. Man, i wish i was on vacation. Because if you’re on vacation you just dont really care. If youre 1/2 a mile from home youre not taint scratching in front of the neighbors, oh hell no. But, but, if i were in Italy right now i would scratch that ass. Oh heck yeah i would, i could care less what anybody thinks, ill never see them again.
Well im happy to report that i distracted myself adequately. It was not a completely horrible walk home. I got home, said hi to the dog and scracthed that itch cause the dog dont care he dont judge, dogs lick their own nuts what do they care? finally all was better the itch was scratched. Freedom!!! More accurately buttcrack freedom.
Happy Thursday everybody. I will admit I decidedly enjoy thinking of ways to just piss of my spouse. I don’t do them but after 14 years of being with the same woman it’s just natural to have some kind of mean fantasies related to your partner. It’s okay to think about them you just can’t actually do them. Here are some of my favorite don’t try this at home suggestions.
When introducing your partner to a friend do not regardless of how much weight she has put on recently refer to her as your “other two-thirds.”
If you happen to be a few years younger than your partner and you look really good for your age if your friend says to you “Is that your mother?” DO not under any circumstance smirk,smile,laugh or take any joy in the comment while in her presence.
If you meet a friend of hers and they say to you “Oh, you’re a lucky man” refrain from all temptation and do not say “Lucky???” “have you seen my junk. She’s lucky. My ass!!! Lucky?”
Now I have some friendly advice about what not to do when trying to pick up women.
- Don’t say “I don’t care about looks.” Yes, I know it makes you seem like this super evolved male, devoid of shallowness, full of integrity man of the fucking century kind of guy, I get it. But look at it this way. When I was dating I used to always emphasize that I did indeed care about looks. If I say I don’t care about looks and ask out the woman what validation do you get out of that? If I say yes, I do care if a woman is good looking and you ask her out “Voila!!!” validation. You just confirmed that she met your standard. I think a girl wants to know that you have standards, some standards and that she has met them. But no looks should not be the only think you care about. When I hear “I don’t care about looks” from a man I am thinking, he has no standards and if he asks you out all you simply had to be was “nice’. What challenge is that? That’s a low bar to clear.
- DO not take a girl to an all you can eat buffet on the first date. Nothing says I’m a greedy guy always looking to get the most out of a situation trying to get the most bang for the least buck like an all you can eat. You can do that later on in an established relationship. Everybody does, I do, but you can’t set the tone like that. Show that you are not just all about you, show that you have some class, that you are willing to spend some dough and you don’t always have to get over and get the most out of a situation. And if the girl is fat, you’re really gonna piss her off by taking her to an all you can eat on the first date.3. Do not go in without a plan. When I was dating I would do some really prick things. I did classy things, but I also did some prick things. When I was in my mid twenties I was well above average looking so my perspective on things may be a bit skewed, okay it is ,but I was used to getting attention from all sorts of angles, men,twenty something women, 30 something women, flat out cougars, I go flirted with a lot. Anyhow I always hated vague requests. “Would you like to hang out sometime?” to me, it’s half-assed, shows a lack of effort. One time a co-worker girl, about my age told me she would like to wash my hair. I had really long hair, but I admit that line was only used on me only once. Anyhow, I agreed that she could wash my hair and that was that. We saw each other a few more times at work over the next week, had some conversations and eventually like a week later she asked me when I would like her to come over so she could wash my hair. Now I admit, I probably freaked out a bit,got a bit anxious, didn’t know how to move things forward and what not and reacted not so kindly. I stone-walled her. I said “I don’t know.” mic drop. I wanted her to move things forward. The onus was on her. She showed the interest in me. I wanted her to have a plan. Pick a time. Any fucking time. Hey,how about 7pm Thursday at my place? Then we could go from there. Whenever I would get the nerve to ask a girl out, which was rare, I would have a specific plan. “Hey would you like to go out at 7 on Sunday and watch that new Robert Deniro movie that’s playing on the west side of town.” She can outright say no, or say yes or suggest an alternative plan but at least I came correct, I had a plan. I thought things out, I took a chance.
Other Relationship don’ts to women from me
1.Don’t get a whole shit load of information from a guy and then keep all of your information to yourself. Okay this comes from experience. This is what I mean. I had a girl ask me how I felt about her, she asked me if I could see us in a relationship. Okay, my answer was screwed, I said I could have sex with her but didn’t want a relationship. So of course, I got neither. But what pissed me off about the whole thing, is that she got answers from me, she didn’t have to guess, and do you think I didn’t realize what was going to happen when I said what I said? Of course I did but I gave her the legit god’s truth answer. Basically she got to keep her cards to herself. She got her answer but she never had to divulge anything to me. She never had to say how she felt. I f she liked me she should have said well I really liked you and I wanted more and that’s too bad. But I never got that. She got confirmation that I was sexually attracted to her and I go no confirmation. I think it’s bullshit. Show some courage. If a guy says he’s not into you or whatever let him know hey that’s too bad I liked you, I won’t make you guess, I won’t play a game, I was legit interested. Why is it so hard for people to say these things. Every man in the history of mankind who has ever expressed an interest in a woman has had his personal shit broadcast to all other women on the planet. When a man likes a woman she makes damn sure everybody else knows she got hit on, it could be by an ugly toad and she will tell somebody, so you know what maybe men deserve to know that they were liked too. And yes I have had many, I mean many a woman express an interest in me and I spared their dignity and didn’t tell a soul, even though it would have fed my ego and let the world know I was wanted.
2.Don’t mention IRL that another guy is good looking. If you watch the tv or a movie that’s one thing but just don’t go telling us how this guy at work is so handsome. For fuck’s sake, have some consideration.
- Don’t take leftovers home on one of the first few dates. Nothing says I will milk every situation for everything I can possibly get like taking home leftovers from a meal. One of my major pet peeves. If I wanted to take you grocery shopping I would have just taken you to a supermarket. The purpose of the date was to spend some nice time with you and also have a meal in the process. I hope to God you at least have groceries in your own home and you are capable of feeding yourself for the rest of the week. I was not offering to fill up your fridge for the week. Eat the meal and if you don’t finish it leave it. Haven’t you ever seen Million dollar baby? there are starving waitresses out there. So that’s that. Another stellar edition. Men got bagged on. Women got bagged on. I got to vent. And I got to unleash some of my relationship fantasies on all of you all. Have a great day.
Hello Everybody, When I came in today other than following up on the music trivia I wasn’t sure what I would end up blogging about today. Lately I have been seeing a lot of people talk about getting these blogging awards. So that triggered my idea for today’s post.
Every once in a while I will do a post where I will just recommend other bloggers and point you in the direction of their posts. Initially I would do 5 at a time and I believe the 2nd time was 5 as well and now it will be smaller than that. I think we should just be kind for the sake of being kind. I am not sure if I am being cynical or not but it seems like being nominated for one of those awards is like a chain mail scheme without money being involved. The currency instead of money is popularity. Nobody loses or gains money but they gain followers. The more I think about what goes on, hey I have nominated you now you have to nominate 5-11 people and you in return for this exposure that I gave you of course have to expose my blog to all of your readers by tagging me. I did for you, you do for me and then you do for 5-11 more people and you have to spend about 30minutes of your time answering all these questions. Seems like people are basically just paying a price for getting some free pub.
When I give somebody love and mention their posts and try to send my few readers to somebody else there are no strings attached. I mention you, give you a shout out and that’s it. You don’t have to answer 20 questions, you don’t have to tag me on your post you don’t have to nominate 10 other people, no scheme no grand master plan just free pub for you no strings. We give to others just to give, in AA we talk about you have to give it away to keep it. Those who go to AA know what I’m talking about. Today I wanted to give a shout out to a blogger who I think really needs to be shown a lot of support. I don’t know her, I have never interacted with her. I literally decided to randomly pick a sobriety blog read about it and pass it on. And after reading this blog I really think this woman needs to be listened to, she needs to be supported and she needs the strength of those who can offer it. This is a strong blog about the real struggles of trying to get sober. Please support the blog Struggles with alcohol.
Alright everybody. I was never in band camp but I have watched the classic teen sex comedy American Pie. So on that note today’s theme is music jokes.
What makes Pirates such good singers?
The can hit the high C’s.
What do you call a cow that plays a muscial instrument?
What has 40 feet and sings?
The school choir
What’s the Difference Between a Cobra and a Bad Oboist? A bad oboist can really kill you.
Hello Everybody! For those of you who read yesterday’s music quotes. Here is the reveal to who said what.
A. I”d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not-Curt Cobain
B. There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe-Frank Zappa
C. No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky-Bob Dylan
D. When I die I want people to play my music go wild and freak out and do anything they want to do-Jimi Hendrix
E. Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that fear has no power. You are free-Jim Morrison
Did you know? Curt Cobain’s first band was called Fecal Matter. Ain’t that the shit?
Did you Know? Bob Dylan was born Robert Allen Zimmerman. Why not call yourself RAZ?
Did you know? Jim Morrison was influenced by Friedrich Nietzsche-I am not surprised by this.
Did you know Franz Zappa had a daughter named Moon Unit. What a weirdo!
Did you know? Jimi Hendrix paid 5$ for his first electric guitar. Wonder what’s worth now!!!