Letting go of the Past

In the AA big book there is a very poignant passage about what our attitude should be about the past. It says that we do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Wise words to live by, but fuck that ain’t me.

Last year in September I proposed to my girlfriend and she accepted. Yeah for me!!! The big day will be in October and I know without I doubt that I chose the right woman. I should be very happy. I should take solace knowing that I will never have to go through the process of dating again. I will never have to try and filter out the potential right one from the wrong ones. My life is good, I should be ecstatic, but instead I am filled with remorse about the past.

I have gone over this time and time again. Scrutinized my fiancé with a fine toothed comb and she always comes out a winner.  She always comes out as the right choice. However I keep having these lingering thoughts of remorse from my past. I think about past girlfriends, more accurately girls that got away. For some reason I am dwelling on this feeling that I missed out on experiences I was supposed to have years ago. I am obsessing on whether or not I made right choices considering certain ladies way back in the day. Why does it bother me that I missed out on things in the past when my present is good and my future will be awesome? Is it  because I hate to be wrong? Is that it? Do I hate knowing that I made a bad decision at the time, even if it was decades ago? Do I feel like I cheated myself out of valuable life experiences that others got to have. That I missed out, even if it means missing out mistakes? What the fuck is wrong with me? I regret not making more mistakes? Oh boy!!!

We will talk about the first one and we shall call her DEF Lepard. you know, the UK glam metal band from the 80’s. She used to wear a DEF Lepard shirt. I actually wrote a blog about her earlier the one with the whitney Houston song and the girl with the Def lepard T shirt. The thing with her is that I was scared. I think I knew that I really liked her. I knew she was kind and sweet and I could really get emotionally caught up with her if I were to take the next step and actually declare my affections for her and actually have physical contact with her. I knew how to keep my distance. I knew if I never kissed her then she couldn’t hurt me. Whatever other guys she would flirt with whatever other guys she would mess with I would not be mad or hurt because I had no right be we had never consummated the relationship so to speak. Ultimately I was afraid she would make me jealous. I was afraid I could not trust her. I was afraid I might love her. My lord!!! Fear is all over this. Anyhow, we talked for a long time, which was very common for young people to do back in the day. Nothing ever happened, just talk. Oh I hated that shit. Whenever I liked a girl the more and more we talked and nothing happened the more likely I was to find faults in her. The more likely I was going to find an excuse to not initiiate anything with her. The more likely I would just let things fade away from attrition from stagnation. I really knew how to kill a budding romance, just ignore the subject, never bring up feelings, never take action. It became very predictable that if I never mentioned anything, If I never professed an attraction neither would she and I would never have to face it, I would never have to deal with it, I could remain safely wrapped in my cocoon. It was safer to remain sexually frustrated than to be emotionally vulnerable. It was safer to be angry with myself then to be hurt by somebody else. If I fucked up then I had myself to blame. Then I knew it was all my doing. That I was in control and I loved the thought of being in control, even if the outcome was misery and frustration. Made complete fucking sense to me at the time. Anyhow, after dodging the issue for as long as I could she actually brought up the issue of us being together. Oh yes, this is after taking me out to dinner for my birthday and singing ” I will always love you” to me acapella, just her and me at the pizza place and I actually found a way to fucking dodge that situation as well. Once it happened I did what I always did, I said “that was nice” and then did not address the issue. When it was all over and we said good bye I didn’t even hug her, made no mention of what it meant or how I felt, the only way she was going to shit out of me was to actually ask me how I felt, point blank. I was fucking brutal to deal with. I was a clam, I would not open up. Anyhow, she finally asks me if I could see us together as boyfriend and girlfriend, I guess this was months after the pizza incident, and you know what?I copped a god damn resentment. Who the fuck is she to find out how I feel first? Why doesn’t she have the balls to tell me that she wants a relationship? Why is she playing it safe? She should tell me what she wants and then ask me what I want? I should not have to make the declaration first. I was so messed up. So what I did was I found a way to fuck it up. I said that I couldn’t see us as boyfriend and girlfriend but I could see us having sex. Well of course, she said that would not happen and that was that, issue done and over with. I remember before the incident one of my friends asked me how I felt about her? I said that I hadn’t told her yet and she should be the first to know. I was smart enough to figure my answer would get back to her. I didn’t want that. So later she calls me and asks me if I have anything to tell her, I played stupid, “no, not that I can think of, like what? “Anything.” she said. “No.” I said. And that was that for the time being because I knew she would not directly me ask me.  I was ruthless. If you couldn’t ask me then you didn’t deserve to know. I had control issues up the wazoo.

The other lady we shall call red. I flat out loved red. Red fucking owned me. My heart completely went to her. The problem was, my body didn’t. yet again control issues. I would not get physically involved with  her. Same issues, couldn’t trust her, she slept around on her boyfriends she was huge flirt. But I loved her because she made me feel valuable she made me feel wanted as a person, I knew I was important to her. But I also knew that being said, she was promiscuous and I can’t cure that.  I did everything I could to paint myself out to be a horrible boyfriend. As I friend I spoiled her I gave her all the attention she desired, I gave her love, I valued her, I spent money on her. Let her boss me around, let her have her own way, pretty much she was boss, but, I told her I didn’t spend money on girlfriends, I didn’t spoil my girlfriends, that if I date a woman I will have sex with her but I won’t spoil her financially.  I was so full of shit. But she bought it, I guess.  Not that I have a history of spoiling women but at that point in my life I would have given her anything she wanted, anything if we had gone to the next level and physically had a relationship. I would have been done. Knowing how vulnerable I would have been I never took it to that level. I kept a safe distance, although we were close. This way she could be promiscuous and I would not feel hurt because she had no obligations to me. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted and I could still love her. I could yet again be safe from a distance.

Maybe I just regret that I missed out on things. I regret, who I was? I look back on my old self and know how restrained I was. Maybe what I should be feeling is sad. Maybe I am supposed to feel sad for the young me. The young me that was self tormented. The young me that was so pained and so frustrated and so restricted. Maybe all this dwelling on the past is meant to lead me to mourn the younger me, I think I am supposed to allow myself to just be hurt. To not be angry, but to be hurt. To let go of the past, I must allow myself to mourn it, not be angry about it, not regret it, but to simply mourn it.

OSCAR Time thoughts

This Sunday is one of the most anticipated days of the year for me as always, it’s Oscar time. It is on my bucket list to one year attend the Oscars. We actually have a friend who is married to a Hollywood agent and have found a possible in roads to attend the Oscars one academy awards one year. You have to be put in a lottery though so it’s a shot in the dark, so maybe one year we will go.

Anyhow, I have given a lot of thoughts about the movie year recently. Some critics suggest that it was a weak year for movies last year. I disagree, I probably went to about 90 movies last year and thought the overall quality of movies was quite satisfying. I do think however that there were very few great movies, but a lot of good and almost great movies and very few absolute stinkers.

I have created a few categories of my own for your enjoyment. We will begin with Sleeper hits. Here is my off the top of my head list of some under the radar gems or underappreciated movies from last year. In no particular order they are

It comes at Night-Critically acclaimed yes, but it generated little buzz amongst movie goers. Starring the under appreciated Joel Edgerton of Warrior fame.

Life- another sci fi movie which in my opinion like It comes at night was just shy of great. Starring Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhall.

Patty Cakes$- A bunch of rag tag underdogs strive for success in the hip hop game. Had my absolute favorite scene of the year. Starring Danielle Macdonald in a star making role as the titular character.

and the award goes to Patty Cakes- Not the best movie of the year but certainly some great moments and a cast of characters you absolutely root for and love because of they are so far from mainstream and very diverse. a stereotypical cast this is not. Both wacky and heartfelt touching and humorous. A great underdog story.

Movies that lived up to the Hype

Guardians of the Galaxy 2-Never saw the first one and didn’t need to to enjoy this movie. A give it a B plus. Not quite great but almost.

Planet of the Apes- Great closure to an intriguing trilogy around Caesar. If it wasn’t for the annoying comic relief “Bad ape” character this would have been an Oscar contender in my book. I give it an A-.

3 Billboard outside of Ebbings,Mo- Billed as an Oscar contender and it lived up to the hype. In my opinion the best movie of the year.

The shape of Water- To be honest Sally Hawkins is what drew me in because of her performance in Maudie alongside Ethan Hawke earlier in the year.  Fantasy is not my forte which is why for me it was the 2nd best movie of the year.

And the Winner is-Planet of the Apes. A near Oscar caliber movie and a very satisfying conclusion to this series. It wins because it is very rare that a blockbuster reaches this level of excellence.  It was hyped for a huge audience not an indie loving audience like Shape of water or 3 billboards so this gets the win.

Over rated Movie of the year. This will have a loser and not a winner.

The nominees are

Lady Bird- Starring Soarise Ronan and Laurie Metcalfe- Movie critics loved this movie but I thought it was strictly mediocre. Not the Oscar caliber movie it is purported to be.

Wonder Woman- To be honest you are better of watching Professor Marsten and the Wonder women. People loved the idea of this movie. Next time don’t worry about getting a literal beauty queen worry about a strong actress in the lead.

Dunkirk- This is actually a good movie. And it had great elements- Like the score and the cinematography.  However the director missed with the story telling. There should have been less focus on the beach and more focus on the citizens who come to the rescue. Not Oscar caliber more like a 7 on a scale of a 1-10. An Oscar caliber movie should be a 10.

Call me by your name. Yet again a good movie. Very slowing movie however. Probably a 7 on a scale of 1-10. It ended great however. The last 15 minutes were oscar worthy but this movie was way to slow and was way too long.

And the Loser is Wonder woman- watched by way too many for a movie that was mediocre at best. The lead actress is not strong. Fight scenes dragged on way too long. It was not enjoyable. Way too long and I don’t find the actual portrayal of the character interesting. Wonder woman can be an interesting character. I thought she came across as sweet and altruistic in Justice league and she was a great addition to that movie but a full length movie devoted to her was not necessary, it was just a money grab playing off the novelty of having a woman in the lead. Women clamored to be represented so they flocked to the theater and men are just pervy weirdos who want to see a woman fight in a skirt.

Comedy of the year

Girls night out- Breakout movie for Tiffany Haddish. Well acted and very fun movie to watch.

Jumanji- The concept of having the adult actors paly characters that are exactly opposite of what they look like was very clever and perfectly executed by Jack Black especially.

The Big Sick- First great movie I saw last year and it should be nominated for movie of the year. Much deeper than your typical rom com. Hilarious and meaningful with a veteran cast of comic actors including Holly Hunter and Ray Romano in supporting roles.

Thor- It is an action hero movie but it is also very comedic. I never expected this to play as a comedy and it really worked. Honestly it may have been rather formulaic if played as a straight action superhero movie.

And the Winner is…

The Big Sick. While the rest of the movies ranged from good to very good this is the only movie in this category that I wo0uld give an actual A letter grade to. Much deeper and moving than the other movies. And I loved watching the actual stand up routines throughout the movie. This was based on an actual story which is why it is believable and moving. Very charming, very funny and who doesn’t relate to the angst of love and meeting your loves parents.

Actor of the Year-

Chris Pratt- Loved him in Passengers which was a hard movie to carry and scored well with Guardians of the Galaxy as well.

Woody Harrelson-Who chose two better movies to star in this year than Woody Harrelson. Touching in 3 billboards and a great baddy in Planet of the apes.

Sally Hawkins-Actually gave two Oscar worthy performances. One is Maudie and the other for Shape of Water. Also starred in Paddington 2.

Idris Elba- Call him Tapatio because he was in everything. Starred in the mountain between us and gave a nice performance there. Made the Dark tower a watchable movie. Was in Molly game and also Thor. Don’t forget 100 streets as well. Just a very talented versatile actor. Always a pleasure to watch.

And the Winner is…

Sally Hawkins- Absolutely adorable in Maudie and I immediately thought Oscar worthy when I watched it and then she does shape of water and makes this weird romance with a sci fi sea creature moving and watchable and actually seem forgivable although it is beastiality. A well deserved nomination for her and I wish she would have got two nomionations because her performance in Maudie needs to be watched. She just clicked well with eevrybody this year from Ethan hawkes to Octavia spencer to some weird fishy bastard and Richard Jenkins.

 

Sunday February 18th Check in Time

Hello All,

I hope everybody is having a great weekend so far. Mine has been pretty good and I am feeling like I am in a good space at this time. So it is a great time to just check in and provide an update on what is going on with me.

I haven’t taken a lot of time to write lately but not because things are hectic or not going well but mainly because I have just needed to slow a bit and have some “do nothing time.” Okay, I guess that sounds like things were hectic but it’s more accurate to say that things were busy.

Life has been great, just busy that’s all. For about 3 months I was writing prolificly. Then things slowed down and then they just came to a halt. Well, when I really was writing often I was out of a job. There was a big transition in my life. After 9 plus years at my old job they ended up laying everybody off and the business sold what they could to another company. So in between jobs I wrote just about daily, often twice and also made sure to give myself a lot of routine. I thrive with routine. So I would write often, go to the gym and hit 7AM AA meetings about 6 days a week. This kept me busy in a good way, a very good way and kept me from from feeling useless and without an identity.

Well,, since I started working again life has kept me busy. I have been working 6 days a week for some time now, happily taking the overtime and I still hit the gym 4 times a week and make time to hit about 4 AA meetings a week but now I do it in the afternoon, and I have a relationship to nurture and oh yes by the way we are getting married in October so we are in the early stages of planning for that. My fiancé is going dress shopping today which is allowing me time to write this before I of course head to the gym to hit the treadmill. So yeah, that is why the writing has slacked off tremendously. Something had to give. Instead of writing for an hour or hour and a half I am using that time to connect with my fiancé, even if it’s just watching some music show or a silly sitcom.

Life has been good lately, very good. With all the overtime at work I have been able to work on paying off a medical bill that showed upin my mailbox some 6months after I was taken to the hospital. Just when you think everything is taken care of they hit you with a bill. I also am paying back my dad for a loan he gave me to buy the wedding ring. Slowly but surely the bill and loan are getting paid back and the sense of responsibility feels really good. I take a lot of pride in making that happen, so yes, it is actually good for me. This may sound crazy to some but I think an alcoholic may be able to relate to what I am saying. I am also trying to save up about 1200$ for some of the wedding expenses and I happy that I will be able to juggle all those bills and take care of all those different things. Things that for most of my life would have overwhelmed me no longer feel unattainable. I am blessed with a confidence that these are doable things. I know not to panic but to just keep on plugging away and things will work out.

Lately, my fiancé has been getting a lot of recognition in her professional life. Things are really coming together for her and I honestly feel like she is just starting to scratch the surface. She is blessed and accomplished and has worked her ass of for decades to get to this point. The degree she earned in college is really starting to pay dividends, although I am finding out that often the work you do in college does not always pay  dividends early on but later on in life things seem to come together and then you really reap the rewards.

In the past a loved ones accomplishments would have really played on my own insecurities. I will admit this is something sometimes comes up but I have learned to work through it and realize that I too have a lot of worth as a person. I bring many things to the table in our relationship. Money is not one of them, but I do bring stability and support and I bring a sense of calmness, I bring a lack of chaos. I allow her to flourish without being the kind of guy who disrupts somebodys daily job by calling her all the time at work and pulling her away from her repsonsibilities and just bringing a lot of chaos that will hinder somebody from truly growing professionally. A lot of alcoholics are disruptive like that. They bring down everybody around them and I feel like in my fiances past there were men in her life that brought chaos, chaos that held her back from flourishing both emotionally and professionally. For awhile I pondered this issue. I wonder if I was wrong to think that somehow her success in fact is allowed to happen because of the still I bring to the relationship. I thought that maybe I was trying to take credit for something I have no business taking credit for. I have mulled this over but on Valentine’s day we had a heart to heart over dinner and although she didn’t use the same wordage that I just used she did intimate that what I just said about her success was true. I know I am not the reason for her success, she has earned everything she has achieved on her own but I am saying that the safety I bring allows her to be the woman she is capable of being and past men hindered her growth. I think that’s fair and I’ll take it.

Okay, a little bit more about me now. As far as my job goes it is a really basic menial job. I am on my feet all day and I do some really basic shit. The pay is crap but the hours are good and for now the overtime is very helpful. The benefits however are great. Medical,vision and dental are all paid for by the company, well after 6months the dental kicks in but still it is great. I get two weeks paid vacation a year and 5 paid sick days and we get 7 holidays a year. And most importantly I am getting paid in the currency of peace of mind. The job is stress free and we are allowed to have a lot of fun at work. we listen to music out loud and holler lyrics to songs and play games guessing who the artist is and what the name of the song is and even dance around a little bit at work. The big boss is very supportive and encourages a loose talkative fun atmosphere and puts it all in perspective and reminds us that we are a non profit and the mission is the autistic clients and mentally disabled clientele that we serve. We many employ many of our clients so I am connected to a cause that is near to my heart as I am on the autism spectrum, having Asperger’s syndrome.

Well, that is all for now. I hope I have time to check in more often. I miss connecting with my other writers and hope I can read more of others blogs soon. It would be really nice to connect and get some feedback from others that I used to touch base with more often. Bye for now.

 

 

It’s Martin Luther King Day. Who cares?

One of the things that always astonishes me is the disconnect people have with historical figures. In the united states we have 6 major historical figures that are celebrated with holidays. They are George Washington and Abraham Lincoln who are both celebrated with Presidents day. We have Dr. Martin Luther King day, Columbus day which celebrates Christopher Columbus who discovered the United states. We have Cesar Chavez the great farm labor organizer and of course Christmas which celebrates the birth of Christ. Despite the fact that we acknowledge all of these days and use them for an extra day off of work or in the case of Christmas it has become a way to bring our families together and bond with them as a whole we are largely disconnected from the people these holidays are designed to celebrate. Presidents day is a great excuse to have an extended weekend or sell cars. Dr Kings birthday has become an extra day off of work. Nobody gives a fuck about Columbus or in many cases they actually have great disdain for him and refuse to celebrate him. A small percentage of people connect with Chavez. To be clear, yes, I give a fuck, I do care about Dr King, I do connect with the impact he had on civil rights. I connect with his bravery, I connect because of his oratory skills, his spirituality and of course because of how greatly things are changing in the nearly 60 years since he began his movement.

I realize that I am coming from an American point of view and I have readers who are in other parts of the world such as Europe and India and Africa. I would like to know which leaders are celebrated in other parts of the world. What are the days on the calendar so to speak that are earmarked for leaders or historical figures such as Christmas day which celebrates Christ. I would also like to hear your opinions about whether you feel your citizens connect with the individual. How about Margaret Thatcher in the UK? Do people mention her and connect with her. Is there a day named after her? Or in India I am curious if Mahatma Ghandi has a day named after him. In conversation do people mention his name often and speak of his deeds? Of his hunger strike? Do they at least quote him often.

I make it a point from time to time to honor different historical figures in my blog. If you look up my past blogs you will finds that I have done a blog solely devoted to Dr King and one devoted to Ghandi and I have done Buddha quotes as well. I make it a point to educate people on historical figures, but more importantly to honor them, regardless if they are from my country or not, regardless of how recently they may have lived, regardless of whether or not we have the same skin color. Greatness is greatness, bravery is bravery and that is why today we need to think of and honor Dr Martin Luther King. Hopefully not just in the United states but across the world. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on the subject.

 

Tell me what you see

Life is all about perspective. So much of how we percieve life, whether things are fair or unfair depends on what we choose to see. What we often fail to see is that we have more than 1 choice in terms of how we percieve a situation.

The topic came up today when my fiance mentioned the re-shooting of the movie All the Money in the World. It turns out that Mark Wahlberg made 1$ million dollars to re-shoot the scenes while Michelle Williams made 80$ a day per diem to do the same.

To many the knee jerk reaction is to cry gender descrimination. But that reaction only comes if you choose to see them first and foremost as a male and a female. Personally I primarily see Wahlberg as a huge box office draw and Williams not so much. In my mind that explains the wage gap. The choices of how I see things are endless. From a sheer talent perspective I think Williams acts circles around Wahlberg. Wahlberg is a very good actor but Williams is an elite actor. Or i could choose to see Mark Wahlberg as short or i could define him as a sex symbol or i could define Williams as a platinum blonde or as second fiddle to bigger stars. How i view the situation is all a matter of perspective.

My best sport is long distance running. I have ran 10k 5k half marathons and even an ultramarathon. One time i was looking at results for a major marathon and noticed the winner made 50,000dollars for the race. Then i realized a mediocre nfl quarterback will make 8million a year for a 16game season. That’s 500 thousand a game. Doesnt seem fair does it? In both instances i am talking about men. The difference is the amount of money generated by the two sports. The Nfl generates crazy amounts of revenue. Aint nobody paying 5,000 to watch the new york city marathon. You watch it for free. But people will pay that much for a chance to watch the Supet bowl.

You see Michelle Williams is like the elite marathon runner. Yes, she may be better at what she does but Mark Wahlberg is the money generator. People are paying to watch him, fair or not, thats the way it is. Track the revenue generated by wahlberg movies such as transformers and track the money made by the greatest showman. Williams makes better movies Wahlberg makes money.

This is the lesson of life. Whenever something seems unfair assume it is fair and then look to see how it is in fact fair. You might surprise yourself.

2017 favorites

Happy Saturday everyone

So i thought i would check in while i have a little time and do a post about some of my favorite things from the past year

Favorite football team that i now root for. My old standbys are the cal bears in college football and the 49ers and broncos in the nfl. However i have a new tradition where i adopt a team for a year. This year i adopted the wisconsin badgers and they did awesome. 13 and 1 with a huge bowl victory over miami.

Favorite new show to watch

The good doctor. This stars freddie highmore ad a young doctor who has autism. Very well acted and i really like the depth and humanity of the characters. I also enjoy watching him interact with his love interest and he has a great support system.

Favorite movie

Patty cakes. This is the ultimate gritty underdog story with heart. Its quirky hilarious and heartfelt and best of all not mainstream its about a heavy set white girl from new jersey pursuing a career in hip hop. You totally root for her and her squad of misfits

Favorite new hobby

Blogging. I have always had a need to be creative and expressive and most importantly be heard. The community has been fantastic so here i am to stay.

Favorite place i visited

Oahu. 4 days on the beach. Authentic fancy ass ramen. A zoo. No work. It was awesome.

 

 

Well Happy new years to me.

Hi everybody. I took some time off from writing as there has been a lot of change going on lately. Good change mind you but still I need to make some adjustments to get back into the flow of things.

I dont talk about it much but I was out of work from mid september up until the 22nd of December. This allowed me to write consistently and now i am trying to fit writing back into my schedule. I wont have a computer at home for another week so i am texting slowly on my phone. When i was out of work it was easy to fit in a couple ofhours a day on the weekdays at the library.

Well, my new job is going well. The benefits are great as well as all of the perks and that more than makes up for the Dplus pay. Plus we have agood hardworking crew and up top,the store mgr and asst mgr, we are in good hands.

On the aa front ive still been very consistent although with the holidays ive missed a little bit more meetings than normal but not many. I will have to skip the morning meetings because starting tomorrow i will start at 7 which means ill go to6pm meetings.

I must say the new year is off to a great start. Last night i went to the atm and tried to get 40dollars.i didnt have that much so the screen said choose another amount. I asked for 20 and what the fuck the machine gave me 80. First thing i did was check my receipt and lo and behold they think they gave me twenty and i still have 18dollarsand 19cents in that account. Those machines never make mistakes so thank you universe! Also i am getting paid for not working today as it is a paid holiday. Plus the football teams i wanted to win have been winning this bowl season. So yeah ass kicking stary to the year. My old boss never gave us paid holidays never gave us paid vacation gave us the bare mininum 10minute breaks instead of the stamdard 15 and didnt have the decency to give us paid sick time until he was legally required to do so. I once overheard the warehouse mgr talking about the old owner whose name is dick and he was talking about penchant for being tighfisted and he said dick was not happy unless he was screwing somebody. Yikes!!! Not the thing you want to hear about your owner.

So thats all for now. Still sober still not too big for meetings and still grateful for my life.

Assessing your priorities

The subject of priorities has crossed my mind several times in the last week. It came up at an AA meeting when I was thinking about the key to sobriety. It came up in a blog post I read when somebody was talking about their looks. It has often crossed my mind whenever I hear the age old comment “I want a guy who’s nice.” Or “I like a guy who has a good sense of humor. Or my personal favorite ” I want a guy with a good personality.” What people value always baffles me. I always wonder why nobody ever says “I want a guy with with good character.” Guys with good personality get girls, guys with good character get married.

I have so many opinions about the sense of humor thing. To be honest, when I was searching for a girlfriend I never valued a good sense of humor. Funny girls are great to be friends with but I don’t find it attractive. When a girl makes me laugh I don’t say to myself this is a person whom I want as a soulmate, this is a person whom I want to get deep and personal with. In a sense it is a romantic turn off. Think about it. If somebody is always funny, if that is their main personality trait do you ever say to yourself “why would I want to get serious with somebody who isn’t serious?” I have. To be honest, a good sense of humor would not even crack my top 5 list of personality traits that I value in a partner. In a friend, oh hell yes, but our partners are more than just mere friends with the right genitalia right? I hope to God you say yes. Personally Personally I value honesty,kindness,openness,warmth,depth,intelligence.opinions,charisma,good listening skills,people who communicate interactively rather than just speak in monologues to you and exclusively want an audience,punctuality,being articulate, being appreciative,idealistic,moralistic, I really don’t give a fuck if my partner is funny, she is by the way, but If I were to describe her in 5 words funny would not be in that top 5 and yes I am that guy who will not be with a woman whom I am not physically attractive to but like I said it’s not one of the top 5 most important things to me. Take a minute and think about what you value in a relationship. Now take a minute and think about what you value in a friendship. If you were to make a list the difference between a partner and a friend should be huge. They serve much different purposes. Your friend can be shallow and one dimensional. Your friend can always be that funny guy or girl but you need more out of your partner. Your friend can be that person who tells 45 minute stories but your partner better shut the fuck up and listen to you. You can deal with a selfish prick of a friend but a selfish prick of a partner will be overwhelming. A friend who borrows 20 dollars and never pays you back is annoying a partner with that mentality might sell your bleeping car to support their drug habit.

When thinking about sobriety I always come back to the first trait that I mentioned when looking for a partner, honesty. that wasn’t a coincidence that it came first. To me when somebody wonders how to stay sober it always comes down to how honest are you. To take it a further level how comfortable are you with the truth? With your truth? Have you learned to accept the inconvenient truths in your life? Have you learned to make peace with the fact that you grew up in a broken home, or that you were physically abused,sexually abused, emotionally abused or abandoned by a parent? Until you learn to be comfortable with your truth, your inconvenient as fuck truth you will not be able to truthfully recognize at all times that you are powerless over alcohol, you will not be able to recognize that your life is unmanageable with alcohol if you have not practiced being comfortable with your hard truths. In simple terms this is called acceptance.

In terms of other aspects of our life I have noticed an over emphasis on looks in our society. Yes, I appreciate a good looking woman but I don’t over emphasize it or make it the only thing I see or value in a woman. If I compliment a woman on her looks personally it also comes with an acknowledgement of her other good qualities. “You are smart a great writer very articulate and also gorgeous. ” I think that’s okay. What is not okay with me and never be is the shallowness of the red carpet on Oscar night. I love movies so I always watch the Oscars but I can not stand this overemphasis on the fashion. For instance, if Jennifer Lawrence walks down the red carpet and she looks amazing they will see “Here’s Jennifer Lawrnce, she is wearing Vera wang and she looks amazing.” How come they don’t say “Here’s Jennifer Lawrence, 4 time academy award nominee,best friends with Amy Schumer and oh yeah she looks hot as balls.” That would be okay with me, Once again people priorities. Why is fashion and beauty seemingly so high on the list of priorities? This is fucking with women all over the world. We need to make it less of a priority. We should look at beauty the same way we look at great athletes. If a person hears of a soccer player that is absolutely amazing they  can admire his skill, they can admire that he is at the top but you know they don’t think of themselves as less than or get depressed that they are  not an amazing soccer player. It goes as far as man I wish I was that good, oh well fuck it, life goes on. How come we can’t do with with beauty. Hey there’s Sofia Vergara she looks amazing that is awesome. I wish I looked that good, I don’t, fuck it, life goes on. But that’s not the way it is. The world has overemphasized beauty, yes, we can appreciate it but like I said when Jennnifer Lawrence walks down that red carpet let us emphasize her achievements first, something personal second and then the shallow shit like her fashion sense and beauty can be acknowledge and appreciated but let’s not lose sight that her beauty and she is a beauty is not even close to being the noteworthy thing about her. So once again I ask you what do you value? Why?

AA thoughts for the day

Got up in a good mood which is great because they say that the first 17 seconds of your day can determine your attitude for the rest of the day. So immediately I decided I was in a good mood and would be grateful. This decision to be positive led me in the direction of feeling like a bad ass. Having Apserger’s syndrome can be quite challenging during the holidays. There is so much break from our routine and so much interaction with people and sensory overload with parties. So I’ve been dealing with a lot of that lately and I must admit I am doing pretty well. When I have gotten a bit flustered I didn’t make a big stink of things, I just kind of let them simmer and stay a small deal rather than making them a bigger deal.

So on my way out the door I kind of felt like bragging today. I wanted to be like “hey people” I am a certified bad ass because I am handling all kinds of things I am not naturally good at handling. But then the internal struggle came.

Everybody deserves to have a voice and has their place and time to be heard. I have decided that this blog is my place and time. I have decided that my AA meetings have another purpose. So I was at the meeting today and yet again not a lot of people are there so it’s easy for me to speak up and say “I need to speak, to do my part.” It gets tricky. Because the “I need to do my part thing” is real to me. If there are 3 or 4 people then I feel like I am being an asshole by intentionally not speaking. When the numbers get a bit bigger then if everybody else shares the meeting is full and it doesn’t drag. Today was one of those days where it was just big enough that I could hold my tongue and let others speak. I am really sensitive about this. I really believe that everybody needs to have their voice be heard. Everybody needs to feel that what they have to say is important and it’s really helpful if other people give you respect and value what you have to say. I try to give that to other people at my meetings. It is something I want in my life. I just typically don’t use AA for that. I need validation, yes, I need to be heard yes, but I go elsewhere for that. Learning the right place and the right people for that purpose is vital. There are some people who just can not defer to others. They just can not think of other people or think of the idea that the other person in the room would like to speak would like to be heard and would like to be valued. It is a tightrope learning who those people are. Then there are those who are great at involving others in a conversation. My favorite People-people who ask my opinion on shit. What do you think Danny? Well, thanks for asking. Here’s what I think… There are some people who are comfortable not speaking at all in a social situation but it’s really hard to identify them. If you can great, but I don’t know how to distinguish those people from the people who would like to get involved in the conversation but either just don’t know how to or get trapped in the feeling that nobody wants to listen to them. I feel that way alot. If I get in a situation where somebody is dominating a conversation, their sentences go on for 3 minutes straight, you speak 4 words and then they go on for 2 minutes you speak 5 words and then they go on for 5 minutes, I will just mentally check out if it is a larger group. I will just stop looking at you, I will drift off and think about other things. I figure if you aren’t interested in me and won’t engage me then I am not interested in you. This has happened many a time, where I will just stop paying attention and somebody else will be like what do you think and I will just be like “I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.” I like people who are good at back and forth. They speak a bit, I speak a bit, they speak a bit and so on. I like having conversations with people but I feel like if I want to hear a sermon I can go to church for that or if I want a one sided conversation I can read a blog posts. That is what it is there for. And there are some great ones out there that aren’t even 1 sided. I like the ones that encourage you to ponder a topic. I like the ones that ask questions that welcome feedback. But if not that is fine as well. It is your space. It is your time to shine. So out in the rest of the world I may be a mild mannered Clark Kent this is my time to be Superman. This is where I get the spotlight.

Kickin it old school

Sometimes when we are stressed out with life or we just don’t what to do with ourselves or how to spend our time and keep ourselves occupied we just need to kind of step back and think of a time when we were more innocent and pure and just simple. We need to kick it old school!

I was trying to think of what to write about and I started thinking about staying sober. One of the things we wonder is,what do I do with my time now that I am not drinking? What do I spend my money on? Have you ever heard of the phrase, keep on doing what you’ve been doing and you will keep getting what you’ve got?

Well a thought about that has come to mind. I think to myself, before I ever took a drink there were things that I liked to do. At the beginning of your life you found things to do that did not include drinking, so I figured I have to go back to that every so often. I have to partake in simple childlike activities. Early in my life before the troubles started there were simple things I enjoyed, things that did not get me in my trouble. Isn’t most of our trouble due to us doing adult things. Like gambling,sex,drugs,drinking? So why not keep some of your youthful innocent habits?

When I was in Highschool I was on the cross country running team. As an adult well into sobriety I re-took up running. I find that very helpful and it helps reduce anxiety for me. I have always loved the movies so I make sure that movies are a frequent part of my life. Gambling is not something that is a consistent part of my life. If we go on a trip and we are near a casino we will spend some time and money there but it is not a regular or consistent occurrence. It is not something we consistently plan to do and we make sure that is a rare indulgence and not a habit.

Recently, we have taken up rock painting. What makes it even more fun is that we go on missions every Sunday to put them in various places around the neighborhood. There is a specific church that gets a rock from me every Sunday. Last week, it got two, one from me and one from my fiance. Nice, innocent childlike hobby, it keeps us out of trouble and the simplicity gives us joy. The giving back makes us feel good. We often speculate as to what people are thinking when they see a random rock show up at their doorstep or at the church? We wonder how long it takes before they realize this is an intentional ploy. My fiance wonders how long it will take before it becomes a sermon by the pastor. Who knows? But it is fun to think about. There is one apartment complex that has gotten a rock painted with a green base and gold lettering with the word hope one week followed by love and flow the next weeks. Is there one person who now looks for the rock every week? Or are different people gathering the rock each week? Is this a pattern that nobody knows is a pattern?

These last couple of months I have been spending time at the library doing these posts. I have been reminded that I used to spend a lot of time at the library when I was younger. Not on the computer, but reading books. I would often go the library and just randomly pick up a book and stand there are read it for 30-45 minutes at a time. When I felt like I had enough I would put the book back. I did this alot at malls as well. I would pick up magazines or books read them and put them back. I am not sure why I have always been fond of this but I think I just like quiet peaceful hobbies. I do well with seclusion I suppose. Anyhow those are my thoughts for the day, whenever you are unsure of what to do, relax keep it simple and kick it old school.