Things Confucius did not say

Boy am I on a roll today? Reprint from November as well.

So I got inspired by you guessed it reading an inspirational quote earlier today. I was inspired to think of things that are attributed to Confucius that I am pretty sure he did not say. Here is 1 he probably did say though, we’ll start here and then have some fun:

What he did say:

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

Now we’re going to have fun. I am pretty sure he did not say the following things attributed to him:

Confucius say: Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Man who sit on tack get point! get point!

Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

and last but not least

A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.

Okay we can’t leave on a groaner of a joke here is something else he did say:

The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.

Buttcrack Freedom

This is actually a reprint from early December. But I thought it was hilarious.

Okay I promise this one will start and stay humorous. Just some light hearted slightly off the wall humor. So here it goes.

So I was walking home today thinking about all of the great things I love about my country you know, the good ole us of a the land of the free and the home of the, aw man, butt itch.

Now this wasn’t a regular nice and easy butt itch. No,this was a good old fashion dig right in the butt crack taint scratcher. My lord!! What am I to do? I got 10 minutes left of walking home and I got a taint scratcher of an itch. Now, your standard butt itch you can reach around grab a butt cheek and scratch vigorously for i don’t know, 2 maybe 3 seconds but not this one. No, I wasn’t that lucky. This was a butt cracker. I may live in the land of the free and the home of the brave but I aint that free, or brave for that matter.

I tried to distract myself and take my mind off things as i walked home. Man, i wish i was on vacation. Because if you’re on vacation you just dont really care. If youre 1/2 a mile from home youre not taint scratching in front of the neighbors, oh hell no. But, but, if i were in Italy right now i would scratch that ass. Oh heck yeah i would, i could care less what anybody thinks, ill never see them again.

Well im happy to report that i distracted myself adequately. It was not a completely horrible walk home. I got home, said hi to the dog and scracthed that itch cause the dog dont care he dont judge, dogs lick their own nuts what do they care? finally all was better the itch was scratched. Freedom!!! More accurately buttcrack freedom.

 

 

OSCAR Time thoughts

This Sunday is one of the most anticipated days of the year for me as always, it’s Oscar time. It is on my bucket list to one year attend the Oscars. We actually have a friend who is married to a Hollywood agent and have found a possible in roads to attend the Oscars one academy awards one year. You have to be put in a lottery though so it’s a shot in the dark, so maybe one year we will go.

Anyhow, I have given a lot of thoughts about the movie year recently. Some critics suggest that it was a weak year for movies last year. I disagree, I probably went to about 90 movies last year and thought the overall quality of movies was quite satisfying. I do think however that there were very few great movies, but a lot of good and almost great movies and very few absolute stinkers.

I have created a few categories of my own for your enjoyment. We will begin with Sleeper hits. Here is my off the top of my head list of some under the radar gems or underappreciated movies from last year. In no particular order they are

It comes at Night-Critically acclaimed yes, but it generated little buzz amongst movie goers. Starring the under appreciated Joel Edgerton of Warrior fame.

Life- another sci fi movie which in my opinion like It comes at night was just shy of great. Starring Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhall.

Patty Cakes$- A bunch of rag tag underdogs strive for success in the hip hop game. Had my absolute favorite scene of the year. Starring Danielle Macdonald in a star making role as the titular character.

and the award goes to Patty Cakes- Not the best movie of the year but certainly some great moments and a cast of characters you absolutely root for and love because of they are so far from mainstream and very diverse. a stereotypical cast this is not. Both wacky and heartfelt touching and humorous. A great underdog story.

Movies that lived up to the Hype

Guardians of the Galaxy 2-Never saw the first one and didn’t need to to enjoy this movie. A give it a B plus. Not quite great but almost.

Planet of the Apes- Great closure to an intriguing trilogy around Caesar. If it wasn’t for the annoying comic relief “Bad ape” character this would have been an Oscar contender in my book. I give it an A-.

3 Billboard outside of Ebbings,Mo- Billed as an Oscar contender and it lived up to the hype. In my opinion the best movie of the year.

The shape of Water- To be honest Sally Hawkins is what drew me in because of her performance in Maudie alongside Ethan Hawke earlier in the year.  Fantasy is not my forte which is why for me it was the 2nd best movie of the year.

And the Winner is-Planet of the Apes. A near Oscar caliber movie and a very satisfying conclusion to this series. It wins because it is very rare that a blockbuster reaches this level of excellence.  It was hyped for a huge audience not an indie loving audience like Shape of water or 3 billboards so this gets the win.

Over rated Movie of the year. This will have a loser and not a winner.

The nominees are

Lady Bird- Starring Soarise Ronan and Laurie Metcalfe- Movie critics loved this movie but I thought it was strictly mediocre. Not the Oscar caliber movie it is purported to be.

Wonder Woman- To be honest you are better of watching Professor Marsten and the Wonder women. People loved the idea of this movie. Next time don’t worry about getting a literal beauty queen worry about a strong actress in the lead.

Dunkirk- This is actually a good movie. And it had great elements- Like the score and the cinematography.  However the director missed with the story telling. There should have been less focus on the beach and more focus on the citizens who come to the rescue. Not Oscar caliber more like a 7 on a scale of a 1-10. An Oscar caliber movie should be a 10.

Call me by your name. Yet again a good movie. Very slowing movie however. Probably a 7 on a scale of 1-10. It ended great however. The last 15 minutes were oscar worthy but this movie was way to slow and was way too long.

And the Loser is Wonder woman- watched by way too many for a movie that was mediocre at best. The lead actress is not strong. Fight scenes dragged on way too long. It was not enjoyable. Way too long and I don’t find the actual portrayal of the character interesting. Wonder woman can be an interesting character. I thought she came across as sweet and altruistic in Justice league and she was a great addition to that movie but a full length movie devoted to her was not necessary, it was just a money grab playing off the novelty of having a woman in the lead. Women clamored to be represented so they flocked to the theater and men are just pervy weirdos who want to see a woman fight in a skirt.

Comedy of the year

Girls night out- Breakout movie for Tiffany Haddish. Well acted and very fun movie to watch.

Jumanji- The concept of having the adult actors paly characters that are exactly opposite of what they look like was very clever and perfectly executed by Jack Black especially.

The Big Sick- First great movie I saw last year and it should be nominated for movie of the year. Much deeper than your typical rom com. Hilarious and meaningful with a veteran cast of comic actors including Holly Hunter and Ray Romano in supporting roles.

Thor- It is an action hero movie but it is also very comedic. I never expected this to play as a comedy and it really worked. Honestly it may have been rather formulaic if played as a straight action superhero movie.

And the Winner is…

The Big Sick. While the rest of the movies ranged from good to very good this is the only movie in this category that I wo0uld give an actual A letter grade to. Much deeper and moving than the other movies. And I loved watching the actual stand up routines throughout the movie. This was based on an actual story which is why it is believable and moving. Very charming, very funny and who doesn’t relate to the angst of love and meeting your loves parents.

Actor of the Year-

Chris Pratt- Loved him in Passengers which was a hard movie to carry and scored well with Guardians of the Galaxy as well.

Woody Harrelson-Who chose two better movies to star in this year than Woody Harrelson. Touching in 3 billboards and a great baddy in Planet of the apes.

Sally Hawkins-Actually gave two Oscar worthy performances. One is Maudie and the other for Shape of Water. Also starred in Paddington 2.

Idris Elba- Call him Tapatio because he was in everything. Starred in the mountain between us and gave a nice performance there. Made the Dark tower a watchable movie. Was in Molly game and also Thor. Don’t forget 100 streets as well. Just a very talented versatile actor. Always a pleasure to watch.

And the Winner is…

Sally Hawkins- Absolutely adorable in Maudie and I immediately thought Oscar worthy when I watched it and then she does shape of water and makes this weird romance with a sci fi sea creature moving and watchable and actually seem forgivable although it is beastiality. A well deserved nomination for her and I wish she would have got two nomionations because her performance in Maudie needs to be watched. She just clicked well with eevrybody this year from Ethan hawkes to Octavia spencer to some weird fishy bastard and Richard Jenkins.

 

Tell me what you see

Life is all about perspective. So much of how we percieve life, whether things are fair or unfair depends on what we choose to see. What we often fail to see is that we have more than 1 choice in terms of how we percieve a situation.

The topic came up today when my fiance mentioned the re-shooting of the movie All the Money in the World. It turns out that Mark Wahlberg made 1$ million dollars to re-shoot the scenes while Michelle Williams made 80$ a day per diem to do the same.

To many the knee jerk reaction is to cry gender descrimination. But that reaction only comes if you choose to see them first and foremost as a male and a female. Personally I primarily see Wahlberg as a huge box office draw and Williams not so much. In my mind that explains the wage gap. The choices of how I see things are endless. From a sheer talent perspective I think Williams acts circles around Wahlberg. Wahlberg is a very good actor but Williams is an elite actor. Or i could choose to see Mark Wahlberg as short or i could define him as a sex symbol or i could define Williams as a platinum blonde or as second fiddle to bigger stars. How i view the situation is all a matter of perspective.

My best sport is long distance running. I have ran 10k 5k half marathons and even an ultramarathon. One time i was looking at results for a major marathon and noticed the winner made 50,000dollars for the race. Then i realized a mediocre nfl quarterback will make 8million a year for a 16game season. That’s 500 thousand a game. Doesnt seem fair does it? In both instances i am talking about men. The difference is the amount of money generated by the two sports. The Nfl generates crazy amounts of revenue. Aint nobody paying 5,000 to watch the new york city marathon. You watch it for free. But people will pay that much for a chance to watch the Supet bowl.

You see Michelle Williams is like the elite marathon runner. Yes, she may be better at what she does but Mark Wahlberg is the money generator. People are paying to watch him, fair or not, thats the way it is. Track the revenue generated by wahlberg movies such as transformers and track the money made by the greatest showman. Williams makes better movies Wahlberg makes money.

This is the lesson of life. Whenever something seems unfair assume it is fair and then look to see how it is in fact fair. You might surprise yourself.

How to tell if you are ghetto

I was in the bank today and on my way out I came up with a surefire genius way to quickly determine what type of person you are. Basically there are 3 types of people.

On my way out of the bank I discovered that next to the teller was a bowl of dum dums which are just really tiny suckers. I am not much for hard candy so I passed them up but before i left the bank i had figured out that amongst the sucker takers of the world there are basically 3 types of people. Here they are:

1 The normal decent kind human being. A decent citizen of the world says to himself. Hey i would like a sucker and he takes one. Then he leaves and goes on his merry way.

2. The ghetto bastard. The ghetto bastard says hey a bowl of suckers ill have 1 now and take a bunch more for later. He waits until the teller is not looking and crams 15 into his pocket and walks out the door.

3. The super ghetto bastard. The super ghetto bastard says hey look a beautiful bowl that has candy in it. I can sell the bowl for 5 dollars at my next garage sale. He then grabs the whole fucking bowl and runs out of the bank with it. Then he sells it at his garage sale AND he takes the candy and brings to his next potluck at work so he doesnt have to spend any of his own money.

Luckily for the world most sucker afficinados fall into category one and a small fraction are in category 2 but its the super ghetto bastards that end up ruining it for everybody like the assholes at my movie theater who stole the little containers of popcorn seasoning that was so tasty. We used to be able to use them for free but now we have to buy them for $1.50 so some guy got a few free small bottles of seasoning but if he wasnt so ghetto he would still be getting free seasoning at the movies several years later.

Buttcrack Freedom

Okay I promise this one will start and stay humorous. Just some light hearted slightly off the wall humor. So here it goes.

So I was walking home today thinking about all of the great things I love about my country you know, the good ole us of a the land of the free and the home of the, aw man, butt itch.

Now this wasn’t a regular nice and easy butt itch. No,this was a good old fashion dig right in the butt crack taint scratcher. My lord!! What am I to do? I got 10 minutes left of walking home and I got a taint scratcher of an itch. Now, your standard butt itch you can reach around grab a butt cheek and scratch vigorously for i don’t know, 2 maybe 3 seconds but not this one. No, I wasn’t that lucky. This was a butt cracker. I may live in the land of the free and the home of the brave but I aint that free, or brave for that matter.

I tried to distract myself and take my mind off things as i walked home. Man, i wish i was on vacation. Because if you’re on vacation you just dont really care. If youre 1/2 a mile from home youre not taint scratching in front of the neighbors, oh hell no. But, but, if i were in Italy right now i would scratch that ass. Oh heck yeah i would, i could care less what anybody thinks, ill never see them again.

Well im happy to report that i distracted myself adequately. It was not a completely horrible walk home. I got home, said hi to the dog and scracthed that itch cause the dog dont care he dont judge, dogs lick their own nuts what do they care? finally all was better the itch was scratched. Freedom!!! More accurately buttcrack freedom.

 

 

The Big Relationship Dont’s

Happy Thursday everybody. I will admit I decidedly enjoy thinking of ways to just piss of my spouse. I don’t do them but after 14 years of being with the same woman it’s just natural to have some kind of mean fantasies related to your partner. It’s okay to think about them you just can’t actually do them. Here are some of my favorite don’t try this at home suggestions.

When introducing your partner to a friend do not regardless of how much weight she has put on recently refer to her as your “other two-thirds.”

If you happen to be a few years younger than your partner and you look really good for your age if your friend says to you “Is that your mother?” DO not under any circumstance smirk,smile,laugh or take any joy in the comment while in her presence.

If you meet a friend of hers and they say to you “Oh, you’re a lucky man” refrain from all temptation and do not say “Lucky???” “have you seen my junk. She’s lucky. My ass!!! Lucky?”

Now I have some friendly advice about what not to do when trying to pick up women.

  1. Don’t say “I don’t care about looks.” Yes, I know it makes you seem like this super evolved male, devoid of shallowness, full of integrity man of the fucking century kind of guy, I get it. But look at it this way. When I was dating I used to always emphasize that I did indeed care about looks. If I say I don’t care about looks and ask  out the woman what validation do you get out of that? If I say yes, I do care if a woman is good looking and you ask her out “Voila!!!” validation. You just confirmed that she met your standard. I think a girl wants to know that you have standards, some standards and that she has met them. But no looks should not be the only think you care about. When I hear “I don’t care about looks” from a man I am thinking, he has no standards and if he asks you out all you simply had to be was “nice’. What challenge is that? That’s a low bar to clear.
  2. DO not take a girl to an all you can eat buffet on the first date. Nothing says I’m a greedy guy always looking to get the most out of a situation trying to get the most bang for the least buck like an all you can eat. You can do that later on in an established relationship. Everybody does, I do, but you can’t set the tone like that. Show that you are not just all about you, show that you have some class, that you are willing to spend some dough and you don’t always have to get over and get the most out of a situation. And if the girl is fat, you’re really gonna piss her off by taking her to an all you can eat on the first date.3. Do not go in without a plan. When I was dating I would do some really prick things. I did classy things, but I also did some prick things. When I was in my mid twenties I was well above average looking so my perspective on things may be a bit skewed, okay it is ,but I was used to getting attention from all sorts of angles, men,twenty something women, 30 something women, flat out cougars, I go flirted with a lot. Anyhow I always hated vague requests. “Would you like to hang out sometime?” to me, it’s half-assed, shows a lack of effort. One time a co-worker girl, about my age told me she would like to wash my hair. I had really long hair, but I admit that line was only used on me only  once. Anyhow, I agreed that she could wash my hair and that was that. We saw each other a few more times at work over the next week, had some conversations and eventually like a week later she asked me when I would like her to come over so she could wash my hair. Now I admit, I probably freaked out a bit,got a bit anxious, didn’t know how to move things forward and what not and reacted not so kindly. I stone-walled her. I said “I don’t know.” mic drop. I wanted her to move things forward. The onus was on her. She showed the interest in me. I wanted her to have a plan. Pick a time. Any fucking time. Hey,how about 7pm Thursday at my place? Then we could go from there. Whenever I would get the nerve to ask a girl out, which was rare, I would have a specific plan. “Hey would you like to go out at 7 on Sunday and watch that new Robert Deniro movie that’s playing on the west side of town.” She can outright say no, or say yes or suggest an alternative plan but at least I came correct, I had a plan. I thought things out, I took a chance.

    Other Relationship don’ts to women from me

    1.Don’t get a whole shit load of information from a guy and then keep all of your information to yourself. Okay this comes from experience. This is what I mean. I had a girl ask me how I felt about her, she asked me if I could see us in a relationship. Okay, my answer was screwed, I said I could have sex with her but didn’t want a relationship. So of course, I got neither. But what pissed me off about the whole thing, is that she got answers from me, she didn’t have to guess, and do you think I didn’t realize what was going to happen when I said what I said? Of course I did but I gave her the legit god’s truth answer. Basically she got to keep her cards to herself. She got her answer but she never had to divulge anything to me. She never had to say how she felt. I f she liked me she should have said well I really liked you and I wanted more and that’s too bad. But I never got that. She got confirmation that I was sexually attracted to her and I go no confirmation. I think it’s bullshit.  Show some courage. If a guy says he’s not into you or whatever let him know hey that’s too bad I liked you, I won’t make you guess, I won’t play a game, I was legit interested. Why is it so hard for people to say these things.  Every man in the history of mankind who has ever expressed an interest in a woman has had his personal shit broadcast to all other women on the planet. When a man likes a woman she makes damn sure everybody else knows she got hit on, it could be by an ugly toad and she will tell somebody, so you know what maybe men deserve to know that they were liked too.      And yes I have had many, I mean many a woman express an interest in me and I spared their dignity and didn’t tell a soul, even though it would have fed my ego and let the world know I was wanted.

    2.Don’t mention IRL that another guy is good looking. If you watch the tv or a movie that’s one thing but just don’t go telling us how this guy at work is so handsome. For fuck’s sake, have some consideration.

  3. Don’t take leftovers home on one of the first few dates. Nothing says I will milk every situation for everything I can possibly get like taking home leftovers from a meal. One of my major pet peeves. If I wanted to take you grocery shopping I would have just taken you to a supermarket. The purpose of the date was to spend some nice time with you and also have a meal in the process. I hope to God you at least have groceries in your own home and you are capable of feeding yourself for the rest of the week. I was not offering to fill up your fridge for the week. Eat the meal and if you don’t finish it leave it. Haven’t you ever seen Million dollar baby? there are starving waitresses out there. So that’s that. Another stellar edition. Men got bagged on. Women got bagged on. I got to vent. And I got to unleash some of my relationship fantasies on all of you all. Have a great day.

 

This one time at band camp….

Alright everybody.  I was never in band camp but I have watched the classic teen sex comedy American Pie. So on that note today’s theme is music jokes.

What makes Pirates such good singers?

The can hit the high C’s.

What do you call a cow that plays a muscial instrument?

A moo-sician

What has 40 feet and sings?

The school choir

What’s the Difference Between a Cobra and a Bad Oboist? A bad oboist can really kill you.

Star wars Jokes-Special Asperger’s Edition

When is star wars day?

May the 4th be with you

what does a jedi drink?

Yoda pop

Where does Vader shop?

At darth Mall

If star wars characters were porn stars

Han(job) solo-gay porn

Princess Lay Me

Obi Wan Ka blow me(gay or straight porn can’t decide)

Jaba the Slutt

Ru-bi-2?(r2d2)

Kit Fisto(oh wait that is an actual character)

Droopy McCool(wait  that’s real too)

Po Nudo (jesus that’s an actual name too)

Captain Punani(captain Panaka phantom Menace)

Okay back to better jokes

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files

adobe wan kenobi

why did annakin skywalker cross the road?

To get to the dark side

Why is yoda such a good gardener?

because he has a green thumb

And why can’t you count on him to pick up the tab?

because he is always a little short.

Alright that’s all. The dirty ones were pretty much all me but princess lay me has been around for years. Figured my fellow aspies would get a kick out of the word play for those. Actually I think the whole thing is pretty much catering to us aspies.

 

 

A lovely Christmas story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run…but there were problems.

Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elfs did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that 3 of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So frustrated santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day?” I have a beautiful tree for you Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.