Sunday February 18th Check in Time

Hello All,

I hope everybody is having a great weekend so far. Mine has been pretty good and I am feeling like I am in a good space at this time. So it is a great time to just check in and provide an update on what is going on with me.

I haven’t taken a lot of time to write lately but not because things are hectic or not going well but mainly because I have just needed to slow a bit and have some “do nothing time.” Okay, I guess that sounds like things were hectic but it’s more accurate to say that things were busy.

Life has been great, just busy that’s all. For about 3 months I was writing prolificly. Then things slowed down and then they just came to a halt. Well, when I really was writing often I was out of a job. There was a big transition in my life. After 9 plus years at my old job they ended up laying everybody off and the business sold what they could to another company. So in between jobs I wrote just about daily, often twice and also made sure to give myself a lot of routine. I thrive with routine. So I would write often, go to the gym and hit 7AM AA meetings about 6 days a week. This kept me busy in a good way, a very good way and kept me from from feeling useless and without an identity.

Well,, since I started working again life has kept me busy. I have been working 6 days a week for some time now, happily taking the overtime and I still hit the gym 4 times a week and make time to hit about 4 AA meetings a week but now I do it in the afternoon, and I have a relationship to nurture and oh yes by the way we are getting married in October so we are in the early stages of planning for that. My fiancé is going dress shopping today which is allowing me time to write this before I of course head to the gym to hit the treadmill. So yeah, that is why the writing has slacked off tremendously. Something had to give. Instead of writing for an hour or hour and a half I am using that time to connect with my fiancé, even if it’s just watching some music show or a silly sitcom.

Life has been good lately, very good. With all the overtime at work I have been able to work on paying off a medical bill that showed upin my mailbox some 6months after I was taken to the hospital. Just when you think everything is taken care of they hit you with a bill. I also am paying back my dad for a loan he gave me to buy the wedding ring. Slowly but surely the bill and loan are getting paid back and the sense of responsibility feels really good. I take a lot of pride in making that happen, so yes, it is actually good for me. This may sound crazy to some but I think an alcoholic may be able to relate to what I am saying. I am also trying to save up about 1200$ for some of the wedding expenses and I happy that I will be able to juggle all those bills and take care of all those different things. Things that for most of my life would have overwhelmed me no longer feel unattainable. I am blessed with a confidence that these are doable things. I know not to panic but to just keep on plugging away and things will work out.

Lately, my fiancé has been getting a lot of recognition in her professional life. Things are really coming together for her and I honestly feel like she is just starting to scratch the surface. She is blessed and accomplished and has worked her ass of for decades to get to this point. The degree she earned in college is really starting to pay dividends, although I am finding out that often the work you do in college does not always pay  dividends early on but later on in life things seem to come together and then you really reap the rewards.

In the past a loved ones accomplishments would have really played on my own insecurities. I will admit this is something sometimes comes up but I have learned to work through it and realize that I too have a lot of worth as a person. I bring many things to the table in our relationship. Money is not one of them, but I do bring stability and support and I bring a sense of calmness, I bring a lack of chaos. I allow her to flourish without being the kind of guy who disrupts somebodys daily job by calling her all the time at work and pulling her away from her repsonsibilities and just bringing a lot of chaos that will hinder somebody from truly growing professionally. A lot of alcoholics are disruptive like that. They bring down everybody around them and I feel like in my fiances past there were men in her life that brought chaos, chaos that held her back from flourishing both emotionally and professionally. For awhile I pondered this issue. I wonder if I was wrong to think that somehow her success in fact is allowed to happen because of the still I bring to the relationship. I thought that maybe I was trying to take credit for something I have no business taking credit for. I have mulled this over but on Valentine’s day we had a heart to heart over dinner and although she didn’t use the same wordage that I just used she did intimate that what I just said about her success was true. I know I am not the reason for her success, she has earned everything she has achieved on her own but I am saying that the safety I bring allows her to be the woman she is capable of being and past men hindered her growth. I think that’s fair and I’ll take it.

Okay, a little bit more about me now. As far as my job goes it is a really basic menial job. I am on my feet all day and I do some really basic shit. The pay is crap but the hours are good and for now the overtime is very helpful. The benefits however are great. Medical,vision and dental are all paid for by the company, well after 6months the dental kicks in but still it is great. I get two weeks paid vacation a year and 5 paid sick days and we get 7 holidays a year. And most importantly I am getting paid in the currency of peace of mind. The job is stress free and we are allowed to have a lot of fun at work. we listen to music out loud and holler lyrics to songs and play games guessing who the artist is and what the name of the song is and even dance around a little bit at work. The big boss is very supportive and encourages a loose talkative fun atmosphere and puts it all in perspective and reminds us that we are a non profit and the mission is the autistic clients and mentally disabled clientele that we serve. We many employ many of our clients so I am connected to a cause that is near to my heart as I am on the autism spectrum, having Asperger’s syndrome.

Well, that is all for now. I hope I have time to check in more often. I miss connecting with my other writers and hope I can read more of others blogs soon. It would be really nice to connect and get some feedback from others that I used to touch base with more often. Bye for now.



Letting go of the past

Hello and happy Sunday to all!

I figured maybe I should stay away from social commentary today and get back to the original purpose of the blog which is to express some of my thoughts on sobriety. There is an old writing adage which goes “write what you know.” And one of the things I do know well is sobriety.

Today at our AA meeting we were reading about not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it. It’s a very familiar passage to those in AA. Us old-timers have read it hundreds and hundreds of times. One of the things I struggle with is being at complete ease with my past. This is what I mean by letting go of, being at ease and completely accepting my path in life and how it led me to where I am today.  In Particular, I often think about my dating history. I often think about women I had been attracted to in the past who may or may not have been attracted to me as well. To be blunt I fumbled away many opportunities, most times nothing happened at all and other times I would begin a relationship and then back out of it shortly after.

To put myself at ease I do have to remind myself that I am exactly where I want to be today in terms of my relationship. I am engaged and will get married later on this year. This helps put me at ease. I was discussing today why I cut so many of my relationships short. I was caught between my physical desires and my ideology about what type of woman I wanted to be with. In my early twenties I found myself attracted to the bad girl types. I wanted sex and lots of it. I wanted down and dirty porno style sex. So I found myself pursuing girls who appeared to be “easy.” I was able to find girls who were sexually adventurous but on the other hand I knew that I also really wanted to be with a good girl in terms of whom I would have a serious relationship with.  I wanted it all I suppose. I wanted high character girls, smart girls, thoughtful girls, ones who could match me in an intellectual discussion, who were highly opinionated and idealistic like myself but on the other hand I wanted to have sex and lots of it and I was also extremely shy and fearful so I figured out that the bad girl types were more likely to show their attraction towards me, to be more aggressive and less passive in their interest towards me. The good girl types were less obvious about their attraction towards me. They were more discreet.  Hence it made more sense for me to go after the bad girl types because of my fearfulness, my anxiety about putting myself out there and showing a genuine interest in a girl.

I often look bad and realize that I let go of some pretty good women. Women who yes, enjoyed some freaky sex but also were very good people. Thoughtful,kind, trustworthy people. To be honest I had some bias that sexually adventurous women may not have the character I was looking for. I feel bad that I would start a relationship with them and then end it because of my own biases and me not being comfortable with myself. I always wanted to settle down with a good girl, I am more at ease now than ever before because I have a good girl or I should say a good woman. She is smart, opinionated, of high character ,caring, successful, booksmart, educated,goal driven and trustworthy.  I have what I always wanted to have. And to be honest, sex is very low on the list of importance. Man were my priorities messed up. But when you are young sex is a big deal. I could probably write 50 pages on all of the dynamics that went into how I ended up being with the women I ended up with. But what matters is that I am happy with who I have.


Well Happy new years to me.

Hi everybody. I took some time off from writing as there has been a lot of change going on lately. Good change mind you but still I need to make some adjustments to get back into the flow of things.

I dont talk about it much but I was out of work from mid september up until the 22nd of December. This allowed me to write consistently and now i am trying to fit writing back into my schedule. I wont have a computer at home for another week so i am texting slowly on my phone. When i was out of work it was easy to fit in a couple ofhours a day on the weekdays at the library.

Well, my new job is going well. The benefits are great as well as all of the perks and that more than makes up for the Dplus pay. Plus we have agood hardworking crew and up top,the store mgr and asst mgr, we are in good hands.

On the aa front ive still been very consistent although with the holidays ive missed a little bit more meetings than normal but not many. I will have to skip the morning meetings because starting tomorrow i will start at 7 which means ill go to6pm meetings.

I must say the new year is off to a great start. Last night i went to the atm and tried to get 40dollars.i didnt have that much so the screen said choose another amount. I asked for 20 and what the fuck the machine gave me 80. First thing i did was check my receipt and lo and behold they think they gave me twenty and i still have 18dollarsand 19cents in that account. Those machines never make mistakes so thank you universe! Also i am getting paid for not working today as it is a paid holiday. Plus the football teams i wanted to win have been winning this bowl season. So yeah ass kicking stary to the year. My old boss never gave us paid holidays never gave us paid vacation gave us the bare mininum 10minute breaks instead of the stamdard 15 and didnt have the decency to give us paid sick time until he was legally required to do so. I once overheard the warehouse mgr talking about the old owner whose name is dick and he was talking about penchant for being tighfisted and he said dick was not happy unless he was screwing somebody. Yikes!!! Not the thing you want to hear about your owner.

So thats all for now. Still sober still not too big for meetings and still grateful for my life.

Asking you to read and support this Blogger

Hello Everybody, When I came in today other than following up on the music trivia I wasn’t sure what I would end up blogging about today. Lately I have been seeing a lot of people talk about getting these blogging awards. So that triggered my idea for today’s post.

Every once in a while I will do a post where I will just recommend other bloggers and point you in the direction of their posts. Initially I would do 5 at a time and I believe the 2nd time was 5 as well and now it will be smaller than that. I think we should just be kind for the sake of being kind. I am not sure if I am being cynical or not but it seems like being nominated for one of those awards is like a chain mail scheme without money being involved. The currency instead of money is popularity. Nobody loses or gains money but they gain followers. The more I think about what goes on, hey I have nominated you now you have to nominate 5-11 people and you in return for this exposure that I gave you of course have to expose my blog to all of your readers by tagging me. I did for you, you do for me and then you do for 5-11 more people and you have to spend about 30minutes of your time answering all these questions. Seems like people are basically just paying a price for getting some free pub.

When I give somebody love and mention their posts and try to send my few readers to somebody else there are no strings attached. I mention you, give you a shout out and that’s it. You don’t have to answer 20 questions, you don’t have to tag me on your post you don’t have to nominate 10 other people, no scheme no grand master plan just free pub for you no strings. We give to others just to give, in AA we talk about you have to give it away to keep it. Those who go to AA know what I’m talking about. Today I wanted to give a shout out to a blogger who I think really needs to be shown a lot of support. I don’t know her, I have never interacted with her. I literally decided to randomly pick a sobriety blog read about it and pass it on. And after reading this blog I really think this woman needs to be listened to, she needs to be supported and she needs the strength of those who can offer it. This is a strong blog about the real struggles of trying to get sober. Please support the blog Struggles with alcohol.

Assessing your priorities

The subject of priorities has crossed my mind several times in the last week. It came up at an AA meeting when I was thinking about the key to sobriety. It came up in a blog post I read when somebody was talking about their looks. It has often crossed my mind whenever I hear the age old comment “I want a guy who’s nice.” Or “I like a guy who has a good sense of humor. Or my personal favorite ” I want a guy with a good personality.” What people value always baffles me. I always wonder why nobody ever says “I want a guy with with good character.” Guys with good personality get girls, guys with good character get married.

I have so many opinions about the sense of humor thing. To be honest, when I was searching for a girlfriend I never valued a good sense of humor. Funny girls are great to be friends with but I don’t find it attractive. When a girl makes me laugh I don’t say to myself this is a person whom I want as a soulmate, this is a person whom I want to get deep and personal with. In a sense it is a romantic turn off. Think about it. If somebody is always funny, if that is their main personality trait do you ever say to yourself “why would I want to get serious with somebody who isn’t serious?” I have. To be honest, a good sense of humor would not even crack my top 5 list of personality traits that I value in a partner. In a friend, oh hell yes, but our partners are more than just mere friends with the right genitalia right? I hope to God you say yes. Personally Personally I value honesty,kindness,openness,warmth,depth,intelligence.opinions,charisma,good listening skills,people who communicate interactively rather than just speak in monologues to you and exclusively want an audience,punctuality,being articulate, being appreciative,idealistic,moralistic, I really don’t give a fuck if my partner is funny, she is by the way, but If I were to describe her in 5 words funny would not be in that top 5 and yes I am that guy who will not be with a woman whom I am not physically attractive to but like I said it’s not one of the top 5 most important things to me. Take a minute and think about what you value in a relationship. Now take a minute and think about what you value in a friendship. If you were to make a list the difference between a partner and a friend should be huge. They serve much different purposes. Your friend can be shallow and one dimensional. Your friend can always be that funny guy or girl but you need more out of your partner. Your friend can be that person who tells 45 minute stories but your partner better shut the fuck up and listen to you. You can deal with a selfish prick of a friend but a selfish prick of a partner will be overwhelming. A friend who borrows 20 dollars and never pays you back is annoying a partner with that mentality might sell your bleeping car to support their drug habit.

When thinking about sobriety I always come back to the first trait that I mentioned when looking for a partner, honesty. that wasn’t a coincidence that it came first. To me when somebody wonders how to stay sober it always comes down to how honest are you. To take it a further level how comfortable are you with the truth? With your truth? Have you learned to accept the inconvenient truths in your life? Have you learned to make peace with the fact that you grew up in a broken home, or that you were physically abused,sexually abused, emotionally abused or abandoned by a parent? Until you learn to be comfortable with your truth, your inconvenient as fuck truth you will not be able to truthfully recognize at all times that you are powerless over alcohol, you will not be able to recognize that your life is unmanageable with alcohol if you have not practiced being comfortable with your hard truths. In simple terms this is called acceptance.

In terms of other aspects of our life I have noticed an over emphasis on looks in our society. Yes, I appreciate a good looking woman but I don’t over emphasize it or make it the only thing I see or value in a woman. If I compliment a woman on her looks personally it also comes with an acknowledgement of her other good qualities. “You are smart a great writer very articulate and also gorgeous. ” I think that’s okay. What is not okay with me and never be is the shallowness of the red carpet on Oscar night. I love movies so I always watch the Oscars but I can not stand this overemphasis on the fashion. For instance, if Jennifer Lawrence walks down the red carpet and she looks amazing they will see “Here’s Jennifer Lawrnce, she is wearing Vera wang and she looks amazing.” How come they don’t say “Here’s Jennifer Lawrence, 4 time academy award nominee,best friends with Amy Schumer and oh yeah she looks hot as balls.” That would be okay with me, Once again people priorities. Why is fashion and beauty seemingly so high on the list of priorities? This is fucking with women all over the world. We need to make it less of a priority. We should look at beauty the same way we look at great athletes. If a person hears of a soccer player that is absolutely amazing they  can admire his skill, they can admire that he is at the top but you know they don’t think of themselves as less than or get depressed that they are  not an amazing soccer player. It goes as far as man I wish I was that good, oh well fuck it, life goes on. How come we can’t do with with beauty. Hey there’s Sofia Vergara she looks amazing that is awesome. I wish I looked that good, I don’t, fuck it, life goes on. But that’s not the way it is. The world has overemphasized beauty, yes, we can appreciate it but like I said when Jennnifer Lawrence walks down that red carpet let us emphasize her achievements first, something personal second and then the shallow shit like her fashion sense and beauty can be acknowledge and appreciated but let’s not lose sight that her beauty and she is a beauty is not even close to being the noteworthy thing about her. So once again I ask you what do you value? Why?

What if Darth Vader came to your AA meeting?

A long time I wrote a blog about learning to have patience and tolerance for those that bother you while at a meeting. I wrote about how ultimately our goal should not be tolerance. Tolerance is when something bothers you but you don’t don’t punch them in the dick. Acceptance is when you are no longer bothered by those persons actions. If at first you are tolerating behavior then you need to strive for acceptance. Nobody is happy living a life where they tolerate stuff but people are very happy when they learn to accept things.

I am proud to say that I am moving really close to acceptance of another annoying person in our meeting. I am  at the point where this persons marginally bothers me and seconds later I am able to move forward and have a good meeting. I will refer to this girl as Darth Vader. Why? Well we all know what today is and I can actually hear this woman breathe from all the way across the room every single time I see her at a meeting. First this used to annoy the shit out of me but I am overcoming the annoyance. At first this girl was darth vader in every single way. I mean, she doesn’t pay attention to other people, she smacks her food like an equine and she sounds like James earl jones at every meeting, just breathing really heavily all the way across the room some 35 feet away and I can always hear her. I ma quickly learning not to put expectations on other people. I am learning to not get upset when people do things differently than I would. I would not be on my cell phone extensively throughout a meeting. I turn my phone off and it never comes on during the meeting. For that hour the meeting is the most important thing in my day. It is exactly what I want to be doing. I get very self conscious about eating noise levels during a meeting. II will eat, it is very common and acceptable at our meeting but if I am smacking and sound like a thoroughbred I will be very aware and stop eating. But not everybody thinks like I do and I accept that. There is a part of me that would just like to be a complete asshole for a day. I think that’s why I am initially bothered. I would like to be Darth Vader for a day. I would like to breathe really fucking loudly, I know, I know, the girl can’t help it, it’s not rude I get it, but nonetheless it is distracting with or without blame to an individual. I would like to eat really loudly and smack my food and just be free to do whatever the fuck I want without being self-conscious and worry about bothering others. Maybe I want to be the guy who is on his cell phone for 40 minutes and then speaks for the last 20 minutes of the meeting. Maybe I would just like to be completely impolite for a day. Maybe I just resent my own discipline a bit. But all in all, I know it’s best to be courteous and I don’t really want to be the on the cell phone for 40 minutes guy or the smack my food so the whole room can hear it guy I just think having a lot of discipline can be taxing. And the freedom that some people have makes me a bit jealous.

AA thoughts for the day

Got up in a good mood which is great because they say that the first 17 seconds of your day can determine your attitude for the rest of the day. So immediately I decided I was in a good mood and would be grateful. This decision to be positive led me in the direction of feeling like a bad ass. Having Apserger’s syndrome can be quite challenging during the holidays. There is so much break from our routine and so much interaction with people and sensory overload with parties. So I’ve been dealing with a lot of that lately and I must admit I am doing pretty well. When I have gotten a bit flustered I didn’t make a big stink of things, I just kind of let them simmer and stay a small deal rather than making them a bigger deal.

So on my way out the door I kind of felt like bragging today. I wanted to be like “hey people” I am a certified bad ass because I am handling all kinds of things I am not naturally good at handling. But then the internal struggle came.

Everybody deserves to have a voice and has their place and time to be heard. I have decided that this blog is my place and time. I have decided that my AA meetings have another purpose. So I was at the meeting today and yet again not a lot of people are there so it’s easy for me to speak up and say “I need to speak, to do my part.” It gets tricky. Because the “I need to do my part thing” is real to me. If there are 3 or 4 people then I feel like I am being an asshole by intentionally not speaking. When the numbers get a bit bigger then if everybody else shares the meeting is full and it doesn’t drag. Today was one of those days where it was just big enough that I could hold my tongue and let others speak. I am really sensitive about this. I really believe that everybody needs to have their voice be heard. Everybody needs to feel that what they have to say is important and it’s really helpful if other people give you respect and value what you have to say. I try to give that to other people at my meetings. It is something I want in my life. I just typically don’t use AA for that. I need validation, yes, I need to be heard yes, but I go elsewhere for that. Learning the right place and the right people for that purpose is vital. There are some people who just can not defer to others. They just can not think of other people or think of the idea that the other person in the room would like to speak would like to be heard and would like to be valued. It is a tightrope learning who those people are. Then there are those who are great at involving others in a conversation. My favorite People-people who ask my opinion on shit. What do you think Danny? Well, thanks for asking. Here’s what I think… There are some people who are comfortable not speaking at all in a social situation but it’s really hard to identify them. If you can great, but I don’t know how to distinguish those people from the people who would like to get involved in the conversation but either just don’t know how to or get trapped in the feeling that nobody wants to listen to them. I feel that way alot. If I get in a situation where somebody is dominating a conversation, their sentences go on for 3 minutes straight, you speak 4 words and then they go on for 2 minutes you speak 5 words and then they go on for 5 minutes, I will just mentally check out if it is a larger group. I will just stop looking at you, I will drift off and think about other things. I figure if you aren’t interested in me and won’t engage me then I am not interested in you. This has happened many a time, where I will just stop paying attention and somebody else will be like what do you think and I will just be like “I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.” I like people who are good at back and forth. They speak a bit, I speak a bit, they speak a bit and so on. I like having conversations with people but I feel like if I want to hear a sermon I can go to church for that or if I want a one sided conversation I can read a blog posts. That is what it is there for. And there are some great ones out there that aren’t even 1 sided. I like the ones that encourage you to ponder a topic. I like the ones that ask questions that welcome feedback. But if not that is fine as well. It is your space. It is your time to shine. So out in the rest of the world I may be a mild mannered Clark Kent this is my time to be Superman. This is where I get the spotlight.

What does 21 years sober look like?

Every one in a while I have to really ask myself one basic question “Why was I chosen?” of all the people who never get sober or who can’t stay sober why me? What am I supposed to do with this? Is this just God’s gift to me? Or was it meant to be something more? Was it meant to be something I share with other people? There’s two ways of looking at things right? You can say, well, I am very meek, I don’t think God would have a great purpose for me. I think God gave this as a gift to me so that me and my small circle can have a better life. Or you can think that God gave you a bigger purpose, to affect a large amount of people with your sobriety. I just don’t know sometimes, Should I be meek and humble and think my purpose is small? Should I be on fire forever grateful and so joyful that I just want to share it with as many people as I can. Spreading this wonderful experience of sobriety to as many people as I can? I can never answer that question. Both answers seem reasonable.

I ask myself what is 20 years sober supposed to look like? On the surface am I the example that I am meant to be? I think there are things that I really do right but even some of those things I feel like I can be off putting with my attitude about them. And I know that there are things that are just plain wrong. I need to work on being so judgemental of others, no I don’t want to get better at it,you can laugh, that was intentional, I mean I have to cut back on it. Then there are things that I am really proud of, times when I am helpful and I keep them to myself. Kind acts that go unnoticed that go anonymous but nobody knows it’s me so is that a wasted opportunity to show people that we are supposed to give back. If nobody knows about my good deeds then obviously I am not being an example because they aren’t seeing it. Sometimes I am absolutely quiet in a meeting. For several meetings in a row just say nothing. I am trying to send the message of puttting others first of being there for others. But if I say nothing about it I think the message is too subtle and nobody gets what am I trying to do. Humility and meeknesss are great qualities to have but if you are so meek that nobody gets what you are doing then are you setting an example? One time after a meeting somebody asked me How much time do you have? The answer at the time was 20 years so I told her and she was blown away. I get that alot. People are like wow I had no idea. And to me that is the point. I want you to not know. I don’t go telling everybody all the time at every meeting hey this is how much time I have. I don’t draw attention to it. I rarely will mention at all my sober time unless I am asked. I don’t speak up much at the meetings and typically the old timers speak and they speak at every meeting and for long periods of time. We have differing philosophies. My philosophy is to put the newcomer before me. My philosophy is to show strength through listening. I can’t speak for the other guys and say what their intention is. But I am wondering if I am doing it wrong. Am I supposed to speak a lot more at the meetings? Am I supposed to tell everybody about my decades of sobriety a lot? Should everybody know about my 21 years sober? Or are we both right? Am I doing things exactly the way I am supposed to be doing things and they are doing things exactly the way they are suppossed to be? I am not so much worried about the other old-timers, it’s not my job to figure out what they are supposed to be doing, but I do need to think about myself and what I should be doing.

Stubborn does not equal strong

I’m sure there’s a term for it but have you ever noticed that society has a tendency to market negative qualities as a strength? When I was in my twenties I noticed guys would always latch onto the keyword “bad boy” Now, if a dog is bad he gets whacked with a newspaper and/or scolded. But guys started to catch on that if they were a “bad boy” they would get laid so they held onto that and suddenly getting arrested was chic telling off your boss went on your dating profile and calling women bitches was foreplay. Hell some women would call themselves bitches and it became some modernized version of flirting. And oh yeah, dont whack your dog with a newspaper. And ladies next time some guy is telling you he is a bad boy please please please point your finger at him and in your best “bad dog” voice scold him and say “bad,bad,bad!bad boy!” and walk away. I am a good boy so i am always rooting for the good guys to get the women.

So all of this hilarity brings us to the topic of stubborness vs strength. I have noticed a trend where difficult confrontational stubborn people will turn their maladies into a positive. These people like to refer to themselves as “strong” Now yes there are times when there is systemic levels of oppression and there is inequality going on whether it be gender or racial or classist and the confrontational stubborness like that of Ghandi Dr king or Rosa parks is in fact indicative of strength. But I’m not talking about that I’m talking about your everyday kind of asshole. The person who is always finding a fight about stuff that is just petty in comparison to bigger issues. The person who cant give in and watch the movie that everybody else wants to watch and then uses the shield of “strength” to fall back on. Is that really strength? Lack of flexibility,badgering people into getting your way because you have worn them down with your fits and yelling? I think we often confuse power with strength

At my aa meeting there is a pillar right in the middle of the room. I always tell people I want to be like that pillar. That pillar is strong. You can lean on that pillar,you can spill your coffee on that pillar and you can kick that pillar all you want and that pillar will stand tall. A hurricane is powerful. It forms it goes through coastal areas heavy winds knock trees over houses are lost areas get flooded lives are lost. Oh yes it is powerful it caused things to happen but is it strong? Will it endure or will it diffuse shortly? Soon enough the hurricane is gone and 50 years from now that aa pillar is still standing and it didn’t hurt a soul. It just supported people. Yes, I want to be a pillar strong and supportive.

Two great sobriety quotes

I admit I got off to a slow start today. I jut couldn’t figure out what to write. I searched for quotes to get me started and for some reason nothing was quite working for me. I search Nelson Mandela,Cesar Chavez,Malcolm X and Mark Twain and yet still nothing jumped out at me. I am pretty sure I will use all 4 of these people in later posts but today I am going with sobriety quotes. By the way let me know if there is a great historical figure you would like to me research and do quotes on. I am open to suggestions. But those first 3 are pretty high on the list and Twain will eventually get his shot. So here are today’s quotes and no I will not do a fake humorous quote at the end today.

“I’d much rather spend all day on the Santa Monica pier playing Asteroids than delve into the murk and analyze myself. And if you think I haven’t gone down to the pier to do that recently, well, you’d be wrong. Sometimes you just have to be twelve again.”

Anne Clendening, Bent, How Yoga Saved My Ass

“I wanted a drink. There were a hundred reasons why a man will want a drink, but I wanted one now for the most elementary reason of all. I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, and a voice within was telling me that I needed a drink, that I couldn’t bear it without it.

But that voice is a liar. You can always bear the pain. It’ll hurt, it’ll burn like acid in an open wound, but you can stand it. And, as long as you can make yourself go on choosing the pain over the relief, you can keep going.”

Lawrence Block, Out On The Cutting Edge