Letting go of the past

Hello and happy Sunday to all!

I figured maybe I should stay away from social commentary today and get back to the original purpose of the blog which is to express some of my thoughts on sobriety. There is an old writing adage which goes “write what you know.” And one of the things I do know well is sobriety.

Today at our AA meeting we were reading about not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it. It’s a very familiar passage to those in AA. Us old-timers have read it hundreds and hundreds of times. One of the things I struggle with is being at complete ease with my past. This is what I mean by letting go of, being at ease and completely accepting my path in life and how it led me to where I am today.  In Particular, I often think about my dating history. I often think about women I had been attracted to in the past who may or may not have been attracted to me as well. To be blunt I fumbled away many opportunities, most times nothing happened at all and other times I would begin a relationship and then back out of it shortly after.

To put myself at ease I do have to remind myself that I am exactly where I want to be today in terms of my relationship. I am engaged and will get married later on this year. This helps put me at ease. I was discussing today why I cut so many of my relationships short. I was caught between my physical desires and my ideology about what type of woman I wanted to be with. In my early twenties I found myself attracted to the bad girl types. I wanted sex and lots of it. I wanted down and dirty porno style sex. So I found myself pursuing girls who appeared to be “easy.” I was able to find girls who were sexually adventurous but on the other hand I knew that I also really wanted to be with a good girl in terms of whom I would have a serious relationship with.  I wanted it all I suppose. I wanted high character girls, smart girls, thoughtful girls, ones who could match me in an intellectual discussion, who were highly opinionated and idealistic like myself but on the other hand I wanted to have sex and lots of it and I was also extremely shy and fearful so I figured out that the bad girl types were more likely to show their attraction towards me, to be more aggressive and less passive in their interest towards me. The good girl types were less obvious about their attraction towards me. They were more discreet.  Hence it made more sense for me to go after the bad girl types because of my fearfulness, my anxiety about putting myself out there and showing a genuine interest in a girl.

I often look bad and realize that I let go of some pretty good women. Women who yes, enjoyed some freaky sex but also were very good people. Thoughtful,kind, trustworthy people. To be honest I had some bias that sexually adventurous women may not have the character I was looking for. I feel bad that I would start a relationship with them and then end it because of my own biases and me not being comfortable with myself. I always wanted to settle down with a good girl, I am more at ease now than ever before because I have a good girl or I should say a good woman. She is smart, opinionated, of high character ,caring, successful, booksmart, educated,goal driven and trustworthy.  I have what I always wanted to have. And to be honest, sex is very low on the list of importance. Man were my priorities messed up. But when you are young sex is a big deal. I could probably write 50 pages on all of the dynamics that went into how I ended up being with the women I ended up with. But what matters is that I am happy with who I have.

 

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