I really don’t get the fascination with ugly sweater day. It is really perplexing to me that it has become a real thing. I’m not hating on it if it appeals to you then so be it, I just personally don’t have any sort of inclination to intentionally put on a an ugly sweater. I wore porkchop sideburns for like 2 months so I guess that was ugly facial hair month or months for me but that was unintentional. I didn’t realize I was way too young to be looking like Neil Young. I think I’m just rather perplexed about whether our society really embraces ugly. Without any sarcasm 75% of the time I see an “ugly” sweater I don’t really think it’s ugly. I think it’s cute “ugly” Like it’s actually appealing in an odd ball way but not actually ugly. But then again I wore porkchop sideburns for 2 months and a Ghengis Khan hairstyle so maybe I’m not the best judge of what is ugly and what is not. I am a grown ass man wearing a fleece jacket with an embroidered sea otter on it and I think it’s cute. I wear smiley face boxers and think that ketchup stains on the t-shirt are an accessory so yeah maybe I’m not an expert on fashion.
I have a weird fascination with how society treats ugly. Here we go, spiel time! Anybody remember the American TV show Ugly Betty? It starred America Ferrera as the titular character. They dressed her down and made her look very dorky so she could qualify as “ugly”. I thought to myself Hollywood is really fucked up. They couldn’t even hire an actual ugly person to play an ugly person. Hollywood is so shallow that you have to hire good looking people and dress them down and make them look ugly but you can’t actually hire an ugly person. I mean come on. If I said America Ferrera was ugly I would be asshole of the year. She would be offended if I walked up to her and called her ugly even though she was damn willing to make that money and play a character with the word ugly in it. See the irony?
I am always intrigued with how women are very protective of the word ugly. If I am walking down the street and I see a genuinely random ugly person my fiance will sock me and tell me I am mean if I say she is ugly. Women just hate that when you call out a regular woman and say she is ugly. They are very protective. However, have you ever noticed that it is perfectly acceptable to call a woman who was voted the most beautiful woman in the world ugly? Oh J-Lo she’s not that pretty! Whenever I hear this I’m like what the fuck she’s the most beautiful woman in the world? Or try watching a beauty pageant with a woman. There will always be that one contestant that women will call ugly. “Oh Miss Iowa she’s ugly” But if a man says Linda Hunt “she’s ugly” you will beat us with a newspaper in a second for our cruelty. I truly don’t get it.So yes, the woman on the left is Miss Iowa 2013 Nicole Kelly and the woman on the right is the academy award winning actress Linda hunt. I will bet you that the woman on the left who is obviously very beautiful gets called ugly more than the woman on the right. Bizarre but damn true.
All of this brings me to the great revelation I had when I was drinking my second cup of coffee for the day. I think December 26th should be International Ugly Person Day. If you are involved in a long-term committed relationship you are exempt from this day. If you are not here are the guidelines for the day. You have to go out and have a date with a certifiably ugly person. If an ugly person asks you out you have to say yes and reserve the 26th as your date night with that person. Or if an ugly person does not ask you out then it is your duty to find one to go on a date with. If you are the ugly person seek out a real hottie, it’s your time and ask them out. If you are the hottie don’t spend the entire day indoors avoiding the uglies go out be seen take the chance that you will be asked out. And no cheating! You can’t pull an America Ferrera and be a cute person who dresses “ugly” Girls if you see a cute girl dressing ugly and then approaching a good looking man you have my permission to punch them in the pussy. This can get kind of tricky. What if a good looking person asks you out on ugly day? What if they genuinely don’t know they are good looking or let’s say they are ok looking and not ugly? Well the rule here says you have too turn them down. I am sorry, but you are not ugly I have to say no. Had you approached me for a date in January I would have said yes, so sorry.”
So anybody else have any cooky ideas for a day? International Touch a dick day? Where you go up to a mean person and pat them on the head and tell them everything will be okay. International break a window with the leftover fruitcake day? Please let me know your ideas.