Got up in a good mood which is great because they say that the first 17 seconds of your day can determine your attitude for the rest of the day. So immediately I decided I was in a good mood and would be grateful. This decision to be positive led me in the direction of feeling like a bad ass. Having Apserger’s syndrome can be quite challenging during the holidays. There is so much break from our routine and so much interaction with people and sensory overload with parties. So I’ve been dealing with a lot of that lately and I must admit I am doing pretty well. When I have gotten a bit flustered I didn’t make a big stink of things, I just kind of let them simmer and stay a small deal rather than making them a bigger deal.
So on my way out the door I kind of felt like bragging today. I wanted to be like “hey people” I am a certified bad ass because I am handling all kinds of things I am not naturally good at handling. But then the internal struggle came.
Everybody deserves to have a voice and has their place and time to be heard. I have decided that this blog is my place and time. I have decided that my AA meetings have another purpose. So I was at the meeting today and yet again not a lot of people are there so it’s easy for me to speak up and say “I need to speak, to do my part.” It gets tricky. Because the “I need to do my part thing” is real to me. If there are 3 or 4 people then I feel like I am being an asshole by intentionally not speaking. When the numbers get a bit bigger then if everybody else shares the meeting is full and it doesn’t drag. Today was one of those days where it was just big enough that I could hold my tongue and let others speak. I am really sensitive about this. I really believe that everybody needs to have their voice be heard. Everybody needs to feel that what they have to say is important and it’s really helpful if other people give you respect and value what you have to say. I try to give that to other people at my meetings. It is something I want in my life. I just typically don’t use AA for that. I need validation, yes, I need to be heard yes, but I go elsewhere for that. Learning the right place and the right people for that purpose is vital. There are some people who just can not defer to others. They just can not think of other people or think of the idea that the other person in the room would like to speak would like to be heard and would like to be valued. It is a tightrope learning who those people are. Then there are those who are great at involving others in a conversation. My favorite People-people who ask my opinion on shit. What do you think Danny? Well, thanks for asking. Here’s what I think… There are some people who are comfortable not speaking at all in a social situation but it’s really hard to identify them. If you can great, but I don’t know how to distinguish those people from the people who would like to get involved in the conversation but either just don’t know how to or get trapped in the feeling that nobody wants to listen to them. I feel that way alot. If I get in a situation where somebody is dominating a conversation, their sentences go on for 3 minutes straight, you speak 4 words and then they go on for 2 minutes you speak 5 words and then they go on for 5 minutes, I will just mentally check out if it is a larger group. I will just stop looking at you, I will drift off and think about other things. I figure if you aren’t interested in me and won’t engage me then I am not interested in you. This has happened many a time, where I will just stop paying attention and somebody else will be like what do you think and I will just be like “I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.” I like people who are good at back and forth. They speak a bit, I speak a bit, they speak a bit and so on. I like having conversations with people but I feel like if I want to hear a sermon I can go to church for that or if I want a one sided conversation I can read a blog posts. That is what it is there for. And there are some great ones out there that aren’t even 1 sided. I like the ones that encourage you to ponder a topic. I like the ones that ask questions that welcome feedback. But if not that is fine as well. It is your space. It is your time to shine. So out in the rest of the world I may be a mild mannered Clark Kent this is my time to be Superman. This is where I get the spotlight.