Every one in a while I have to really ask myself one basic question “Why was I chosen?” of all the people who never get sober or who can’t stay sober why me? What am I supposed to do with this? Is this just God’s gift to me? Or was it meant to be something more? Was it meant to be something I share with other people? There’s two ways of looking at things right? You can say, well, I am very meek, I don’t think God would have a great purpose for me. I think God gave this as a gift to me so that me and my small circle can have a better life. Or you can think that God gave you a bigger purpose, to affect a large amount of people with your sobriety. I just don’t know sometimes, Should I be meek and humble and think my purpose is small? Should I be on fire forever grateful and so joyful that I just want to share it with as many people as I can. Spreading this wonderful experience of sobriety to as many people as I can? I can never answer that question. Both answers seem reasonable.
I ask myself what is 20 years sober supposed to look like? On the surface am I the example that I am meant to be? I think there are things that I really do right but even some of those things I feel like I can be off putting with my attitude about them. And I know that there are things that are just plain wrong. I need to work on being so judgemental of others, no I don’t want to get better at it,you can laugh, that was intentional, I mean I have to cut back on it. Then there are things that I am really proud of, times when I am helpful and I keep them to myself. Kind acts that go unnoticed that go anonymous but nobody knows it’s me so is that a wasted opportunity to show people that we are supposed to give back. If nobody knows about my good deeds then obviously I am not being an example because they aren’t seeing it. Sometimes I am absolutely quiet in a meeting. For several meetings in a row just say nothing. I am trying to send the message of puttting others first of being there for others. But if I say nothing about it I think the message is too subtle and nobody gets what am I trying to do. Humility and meeknesss are great qualities to have but if you are so meek that nobody gets what you are doing then are you setting an example? One time after a meeting somebody asked me How much time do you have? The answer at the time was 20 years so I told her and she was blown away. I get that alot. People are like wow I had no idea. And to me that is the point. I want you to not know. I don’t go telling everybody all the time at every meeting hey this is how much time I have. I don’t draw attention to it. I rarely will mention at all my sober time unless I am asked. I don’t speak up much at the meetings and typically the old timers speak and they speak at every meeting and for long periods of time. We have differing philosophies. My philosophy is to put the newcomer before me. My philosophy is to show strength through listening. I can’t speak for the other guys and say what their intention is. But I am wondering if I am doing it wrong. Am I supposed to speak a lot more at the meetings? Am I supposed to tell everybody about my decades of sobriety a lot? Should everybody know about my 21 years sober? Or are we both right? Am I doing things exactly the way I am supposed to be doing things and they are doing things exactly the way they are suppossed to be? I am not so much worried about the other old-timers, it’s not my job to figure out what they are supposed to be doing, but I do need to think about myself and what I should be doing.