If you were to see me you might make the assumption that I am a very normal person, nothing stands out about me too much. I like to think that I stand out by not standing out. I rebel by not rebelling. Most people think being anti-authority makes them edgy and cool, I think it keeps me out of jail and out of debt. I rebel against your rebelliousness by refusing to rebel. While most people think authority sucks I like authority. I tend to believe they are in that position because they know what the fuck they are doing. Yes, there are exceptions but generally speaking.
I have noticed that one some of common practices in my country are for people to wear sunglasses or dye their hair or tint their car window. These are all things that people see as being cool. I don’t do any of these things, ever. It goes much deeper than the fact that I refuse to be cool. While some see sunglass wearing men as macho, we have all seen the imagery of macho guys wearing sunglasses at night, to me it looks like fragility. It looks like these big tough guys can’t handle people seeing their eyes. Huge muscles skull tattoos leather jackets and yet if you see their eyes they can’t handle it. Same with tinted windows, says the same thing I can not handle people looking at me, this is not macho or cool this is frailty. Dyed hair, same thing. Says to me I can not handle something as simple as my god given hair color, I am a control freak, I must change everything I don’t like. If you can’t handle that, what can you handle in life?
I know, I know, I am sounding very judgemental here. Let me tell you a bit abut my life growing up. This will explain it a bit better. When I was growing up I had a lot of anxiety and as a result I developed some severe nervous tics and I also have a mole I am not too fond of my face. The anxiety really started to kick in when I was about 12 and nervous tics became very noticeable. This got me attention that I did not want and I became very self aware of these tics. The self-awareness made me more anxious and it became a never ending cycle. Tics led to anxiety and anxiety led to tics. At this point in my life I was never comfortable with attention in the first place and this kind of attention was almost unbearable.
Everyday going out became a struggle. For some reason, as uncomfortable as it was I was determined to face my fears, face my discomfort and get out of the damn house and just deal with it. I didn’t like my mole and I certainly didn’t like my exagerrated tics and the questions they would prompt or the murmuring but I dealt with it. I knew if I didn’t I could easily hide from the world and be a hermit. I would not let that happen to me.
So one day, I decided that I would not cover my eyes with sunglasses even though I might be able to hide some of my tics that way and people would not see my excessive blinking. I would not take the easy way out. I decided, fuck worrying about small things like hair color, I got bigger fish to fry. If I can’t deal with the small things like my hair color, If I can’t handle having people see my face I risk becoming destroyed by fear, I will not have it. This is why I often scoff at the sunglass wearing because I know what it would represent in me if I were to wear them. I know it would represent giving up, it would mean the anxiety won. If I dye my hair i means I am letting the small things take up my time and energy when I have bigger things to worry about.
I am learning not to scoff at others because I realize my scoffing is really just me being frustrated at my own personal struggles. I will close with this though. The nervous tic struggles and the extreme levels of anxiety have waned like 95%. My anxiety is very minimal compared to what it used to be, but I remember the struggles. My nervous tics, rarely surface and I am blessed. I remember I had been carrying around some very dark secrets. I carried around the secret of being sexual assaulted in a drunken stupor, I carried around the secret of being molested by a distant relative and after I told my fiance about those secrets and I chose to take her in my inner circle and let her be the first to know the anxieties gradually were lifted and the tics went away.Today I am truly blessed for having lived the struggle and survived it.
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