I’ve been wanting to get a little bit more personal lately. Today we’re going to talk about a time in my early twenties and a girl I used to know. The time was 1994 so I was a young idiot er man at the time. I was awkward i mean really freaking awkward with the ladies. As a means to get past my social difficulties I used two tactics i drank as a social lubricant and the other thing was my long haired brooding philosophical the world is screwed and it needs to be fixed attitude. Turns out rocker girls loved my look so often instead of me coming to them they came to me. Natalie was a rocker girl who wore the aforementioned def leopard shirt.
Natalie and I had known each other for years since i was 17 and and she was 14. We went to the same school and i still remember the day we met but she was too young for me at the time to take an interest in. But as fate would have it natalie was best friends with colette who was the younger sister of my friend jean so we would get to know each other through the years.
I have to editorialize here and interject before i go on with the story. You know how there is this romanticized idea that people should be friends first before becoming involved i think its a bunch of crap. Declare your interest take your shot right off the bat and see where it goes. When you think about it too much you talk yourself out of it. Back to the story.
Ok so lets fast forward to 1994. At this time jean and natalie are now good friends colette and her arent close anymore and the 3 three of us are spending a lot of time together. The skating rink incident comes to mind. Jean myself a girl jean had dated named rene and natalie went out to go roller skating. At one point Natalie and renee were over at one point of the rink flirting with a couple of guys. I felt bad for jean because i figured he was now into natalie and i just thought she should be courteous and not flirt with other dudes in his presence. Message firmly sent by natalie sorry jean i dont like you like that. Natalie had a tendency to flirt with guys alot. Side note it turns out renee liked me as well but lets stick to natalie for now.
We go sometime forward now and now natalie and i are now “talking” which means we talk on the phone alot get to know each through more personal one on one conversation and nobody actually declares any kind of interest. I think the “talking” phase is highly overrated. i think somebody should jusy say yo i like you is anything gonna happen here?
We talked for awhile and we finally go on a one on one date. She took me out for pizza on my birthday. At this point i was really attracted to natalie on one hand but on the other my gut tells me she is trouble. Nobody at this point has made any kind of declaration of attraction. To fully disclose i was totally getting some on the side. I would seize the day when opportunity arose and it would. I have learned that just because you like somebody doesnt mean it will actually go anywhere so i learned to not pass up an opportunity when it was presented. I was hush hush about my amorous adventures. I had no comittment going on.
So anyway we are at the pizza place finally it is just me and natalie. The date is going well and all of a sudden out of nowhere natalie starts singing to me. There are people in the pizza parlor and i am highly uncomfortable here. She is singing whitney houston in her def leopard shirt and she is singing you guessed it i will always love you. She is right across the table from me looking me in the eye singing freaking i will always love you and i just froze. This is the point where you kiss the girl. I said that was nice and the next thing i remember we are outside i dont know what to do and i just want to get the heck out of there. I just choked. I absolutely blew it. No hug no kiss i just put my head down and got the $!#@ out of there.
Finally at some point after who knows how long she finally asks me on the phone if i could see us as boyfriend and girlfriend. Alright guess what i did. I said no. Not only did i say no but i said that i could see us having sex though. Talk about freaking sabotage. I knew what i was doing. I gave her no choice and that was that.
Or so i thought. Some 6 months after the i wouldnt want you as a gf announcement she calls me up and we are chit chattingi about my new girlfiend. In fact this is the 2nd gf since natalie and i had our fateful conversation. Then it got all twisted. She says “i thought you didnt want a girlfriend” not thinking and just answering honestly i said”i never said i didnt want a girlfriend” “oh just me. You dont want me as a girlfriend?” sheepishly i said “well yeah” She got pissed and that was that. I absolutely hate that i hurt that girls feelings. I was just afraid i could fall in love with her and she would flirt with other guys in front of me and i just would not be cool with it and i would feel disrespected and get jealous and feel insecure. I have used a lot of people in my past but that one haunts me and i never touched her.